The last time I quoted a conversation between two prototypical "Stinkies," the transcription was referred to as "a weird sort of poetry." I couldn't have agreed more.
Now I'm happy to present you with an extended transcript of BOTH SIDES of a stinky conversation, including a bonus "Muffy vs. Stinky" moment at the end.
During lunch today at Tim Horton's, the stinkies sat down at the table next to me as I was trying to write on my portable "Alphasmart Neo." The male stinky (Robert) wears suspenders and looks a bit like a turtle. The female's plumage is brighter -- pink shoes and fuzzy baby-blue pantsuit -- but her mental abilities appear far below Robert's...she repeats herself endlessly and always seems to be annoying him.
Their conversation here starts with the two of them sitting down, then the female stinky lurching to her feet and asking:
You want a donut?
No, I don't want a tea donut, ohhh.
One honey dip. You want it?
Nooo.
She buys a box of timbits and puts it on the table, then stands.
You be here for a while? I'm goin' home now.
You don't need that coat.
I'm cold, my back's cold.
Ohhhh.
I don't wanna get cold on my back. I'm goin' home now. You want your coat?
NO I don't want my coat.
Goin' home now. Goin' home now.
She leaves the store. Robert, alone, sits quietly for a while, then he starts leaning toward me and saying "Ma'am? Ma'am? Ma'am?" I ignore him because I know that if I make any sort of response, he'll start talking and he won't leave me alone.
Fortunately he is interrupted by the store's mentally handicapped employee. This is amusing because the employee really likes Robert, but Robert obviously DOES NOT return the sentiment. The employee keeps telling Robert not to eat donuts because they're bad for his health and will give him a belly. The employee won't go away. He thinks Robert is his best friend.
I become aware that even the stinkies have a pecking order and I feel less bad for ignoring him.
Eventually the woman comes back. She talks with Robert for a bit, and soon I start transcribing again.
It won't last that long. Won't last that long. Got a honey dip, another honey cruller, one honey dip. Got that one. He doesn't like that, you know that? Doesn't like honey cruller. He won't eat that cruller.
How do YOU know what he ain't gonna have?
One boston cream that he'll eat tonight. One boston cream that he'll eat tonight. I tole you.
(A moment of blissful silence).
They makin' honey crullers. You think they makin' honey crullers? You think they makin' honey crullers?
HOW DO I KNOW!
Two of them back there. They two of them. You think they makin' honey crullers? You think they makin' honey crullers?
Suddenly Robert leans toward me and starts saying "Ma'am? Ma'am?" again. I ignore him, pretending to be busy. The female stinky asks him what he wants and he says "I wanna know if she gets a SIGNAL on that thing," gesturing at the keyboard. "MA'AM! MA'AM!" The female stinky says "She's busy" and Robert says "I don't care, I'LL GET MY ANSWER. MA'AM! MA'AM! MA'AM!"
He is now literally YELLING at me and the people in the store are looking at us. I glance up at him and he says "Do you get a signal on that thing?" I say "no" and go back to typing.
The female stinky says "That's a guy, not a ma'am." However confused the female stinky seems to be, I suddenly realize that she's the more socially capable one.
Robert is very disgruntled, muttering at an old lady nearby who's been staring at us. The old lady says -- by way of obvious explanation -- "She's busy," and Robert says "He wants to be like that? He wants to be like THAT?" There is some degree of gender confusion going on now. I continue typing as though nothing's happening
Eventually he calms down. I don't dare transcribe any further now that he's got his eyes on me.
Showing posts with label stinkies. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stinkies. Show all posts
Thursday, May 29, 2008
Sunday, August 19, 2007
The Stinkies Overheard
I mentioned in a previous post the phenomenon of "The Stinkies," a strange subgroup of physically odd and socially inept people who I first discovered while working at Tim Horton's.
I spent part of my morning at that very same Tim Horton's store, typing up a DVD review for Generation X's irreverent movie magazine. The concept of "The Stinky" was INVENTED in that store, and as luck would have it the two ARCHETYPAL examples -- who we naturally called "Mr. Stinky" and "Mrs. Stinky" -- were sitting in the store and having a bizarre argument.
Mrs. Stinky was clearly brow-beating Mr. Stinky in her creepy, phlegmy, piercing, almost unintelligable voice. I couldn't hear a word HE said (and I could barely follow her side of the conversation either), but here's the most accurate transcription I can give. I think it offers some insight into how the Stinkies communicate with each other:
I spent part of my morning at that very same Tim Horton's store, typing up a DVD review for Generation X's irreverent movie magazine. The concept of "The Stinky" was INVENTED in that store, and as luck would have it the two ARCHETYPAL examples -- who we naturally called "Mr. Stinky" and "Mrs. Stinky" -- were sitting in the store and having a bizarre argument.
Mrs. Stinky was clearly brow-beating Mr. Stinky in her creepy, phlegmy, piercing, almost unintelligable voice. I couldn't hear a word HE said (and I could barely follow her side of the conversation either), but here's the most accurate transcription I can give. I think it offers some insight into how the Stinkies communicate with each other:
No I'm not goin! I'm not goin! Nope! I'm not goin! No I'm not goin! I asked you three years ago, forget it! I'm not goin now! I'm not goin now!
You screwed up! What? What you mean? Where you goin? Sit sit! You screwed up, didn't ya? You screwed up good, didn't ya? Didn't ya? You screwed up good, didn't ya? We could-a gone three years ago. Why didn't ya? Why didn't ya? Why didn't ya? Nope, I'm not goin now. I asked you three years ago, didn't I? I'm not goin now. I'm not goin. I'm not goin noplace. You said no. I ain't got time for it.
You can fix it so they have-ta come here.
Saturday, February 17, 2007
But Some People ARE Just Stupid
I eat at Subway an awful lot because it's close to my work, the food is relatively cheap and healthy, and I can sit undisturbed and read during my lunch break.
A woman works there who I'll call "Crone." She's been there for years. She isn't mentally handicapped but she's certainly "slow." I don't have nasty feelings towards people who are simply "slow," even if they're a bit annoying. But when a slow person is also needy and socially retarded I begin to hate them. Crone is all of these things, and she also has an annoying voice and a face like Schlitzy The Pinhead.
Crone wants to talk to every customer, ESPECIALLY the customers who don't like her, which is most of them. The more you discourage her from talking to you, the more she'll try. The thing is, whenever you DO talk to her she says something unbelievably clueless and usually rude.
My first real experience with her was a few years ago when she asked me if my fingernails were real (they were long at the time). I told her they were, and she cackled in her annoying way and shouted "No they're not! No they're not." Yes they are, I said, and she cackled again and shouted "No they're not!" The owner, who was standing there, looked as shocked as I was.
A few weeks later I came in with a book of Sherlock Holmes stories. Crone thinks she's quite the reader, and she asked me what I was reading. I told her, and she shouted "Oh, I HATE those old books!" Shortly thereafer I came in with a book on the history of London, England. "What'cha reading?" she asked again, and -- trapped -- I told her. Her response, predictably, was "Oh, I HATE those history books!"
That was when I decided I would no longer speak to Crone. I'll still say "hello" and "thanks," but I won't respond to any of her questions. She'll ask me what I'm reading, and I'll pretend that I don't hear her, which confuses her. But this doesn't stop me from hearing her abortive conversations with OTHERS. Here are my two recent favourites:
First, an employee (Dave) from Wordsworth Books came in for a sub. Wordsworths is a sort of high-end bookstore which specializes in quirky, literate stuff as opposed to romances and Oprah's picks. On the other hand -- for those who don't know -- "Chapters" is a chain bookstore that is notoriously falling back on selling knick-knacks as opposed to actual books.
CRONE: Hi Dave! Hi, how are you?
DAVE: (Unable to pretend he's reading the paper any longer) Fine, thanks.
CRONE: I love your bookstore! But I only buy books at CHAPTERS!
DAVE: (Taken aback) Oh...
CRONE: I love Chapters.
DAVE: (Making a joke) I didn't think Chapters still SOLD books.
CRONE: (Shocked) Huh? No! They still sell books!
DAVE: Ummm, yeah, I thought they just sold bookmarks and placemats now...
CRONE: Ha! Oh no, they still sell books! Don't worry! Chapters still sells books!
My all-time Favourite Crone Story took place just last week, when an employee from Timothy's Coffee Shop came in. Timothy's is a small chain store that managed to survive for years, but then Starbucks moved in across the street and took all their business.
CRONE: Hi! How's Timothy's?!?
EMPLOYEE: Not so good. We're closing this weekend. We've lost all our customers.
CRONE: Oh, that's too bad.
EMPLOYEE: Yeah.
CRONE: At least we'll still have Starbucks!
EMPLOYEE: (Speechless)
CRONE: I always go to Starbucks!
Postscript: Crone belongs to a strange subgroup of people called "The Stinkies." They're slow, needy, socially handicapped, physically odd people, and they have extremely annoying screechy voices. I first noticed them when I worked at Tim Hortons; huge gangs of them would come in, drag you into go-nowhere and somewhat offensive conversations, and then spend hours screeching and cackling to each other. I don't know if this is a genetic issue or not but I strongly suspect it is. The cook at the time (Ben) referred to them as "Stinkies," and the name stuck.
A woman works there who I'll call "Crone." She's been there for years. She isn't mentally handicapped but she's certainly "slow." I don't have nasty feelings towards people who are simply "slow," even if they're a bit annoying. But when a slow person is also needy and socially retarded I begin to hate them. Crone is all of these things, and she also has an annoying voice and a face like Schlitzy The Pinhead.
Crone wants to talk to every customer, ESPECIALLY the customers who don't like her, which is most of them. The more you discourage her from talking to you, the more she'll try. The thing is, whenever you DO talk to her she says something unbelievably clueless and usually rude.
My first real experience with her was a few years ago when she asked me if my fingernails were real (they were long at the time). I told her they were, and she cackled in her annoying way and shouted "No they're not! No they're not." Yes they are, I said, and she cackled again and shouted "No they're not!" The owner, who was standing there, looked as shocked as I was.
A few weeks later I came in with a book of Sherlock Holmes stories. Crone thinks she's quite the reader, and she asked me what I was reading. I told her, and she shouted "Oh, I HATE those old books!" Shortly thereafer I came in with a book on the history of London, England. "What'cha reading?" she asked again, and -- trapped -- I told her. Her response, predictably, was "Oh, I HATE those history books!"
That was when I decided I would no longer speak to Crone. I'll still say "hello" and "thanks," but I won't respond to any of her questions. She'll ask me what I'm reading, and I'll pretend that I don't hear her, which confuses her. But this doesn't stop me from hearing her abortive conversations with OTHERS. Here are my two recent favourites:
First, an employee (Dave) from Wordsworth Books came in for a sub. Wordsworths is a sort of high-end bookstore which specializes in quirky, literate stuff as opposed to romances and Oprah's picks. On the other hand -- for those who don't know -- "Chapters" is a chain bookstore that is notoriously falling back on selling knick-knacks as opposed to actual books.
CRONE: Hi Dave! Hi, how are you?
DAVE: (Unable to pretend he's reading the paper any longer) Fine, thanks.
CRONE: I love your bookstore! But I only buy books at CHAPTERS!
DAVE: (Taken aback) Oh...
CRONE: I love Chapters.
DAVE: (Making a joke) I didn't think Chapters still SOLD books.
CRONE: (Shocked) Huh? No! They still sell books!
DAVE: Ummm, yeah, I thought they just sold bookmarks and placemats now...
CRONE: Ha! Oh no, they still sell books! Don't worry! Chapters still sells books!
My all-time Favourite Crone Story took place just last week, when an employee from Timothy's Coffee Shop came in. Timothy's is a small chain store that managed to survive for years, but then Starbucks moved in across the street and took all their business.
CRONE: Hi! How's Timothy's?!?
EMPLOYEE: Not so good. We're closing this weekend. We've lost all our customers.
CRONE: Oh, that's too bad.
EMPLOYEE: Yeah.
CRONE: At least we'll still have Starbucks!
EMPLOYEE: (Speechless)
CRONE: I always go to Starbucks!
Postscript: Crone belongs to a strange subgroup of people called "The Stinkies." They're slow, needy, socially handicapped, physically odd people, and they have extremely annoying screechy voices. I first noticed them when I worked at Tim Hortons; huge gangs of them would come in, drag you into go-nowhere and somewhat offensive conversations, and then spend hours screeching and cackling to each other. I don't know if this is a genetic issue or not but I strongly suspect it is. The cook at the time (Ben) referred to them as "Stinkies," and the name stuck.
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