Here's your Canada Day treat...the first domestic drag show in three months!
The song is "Hot Lips" by Kelli Ali, and the clips were filmed at various times over the past month, usually during crazy heatwaves.
It didn't take long to get the hang of iMovie 7. It's a nifty free video editor, but before you say "your editing sucks and so does your video," let me remind you that these are flippant entertainments filmed entirely by myself. The day I get a pocket-sized, portable, always-available cameraperson is the day I explode into non-static creativity.
Another caveat: EVERY clip in this project is hand-synced to the music. That's 76 clips. That's a very tired Muffy.
Coming soon: the never-before-seen Schnapps video, suppressed due to an assumed lack of interest! I'll dig it out of the vault and put it online.
Also coming soon: the final episode of the "Creepy Pedro" radio play! It's only taken six years to finish.
Monday, June 30, 2008
Day of The Mail
Over time my anxiety rises. When I leave my apartment I turn my eyes to the sky so I won't have to look at the mailbox, pretending it isn't there and that it doesn't contain anything. But eventually I need to face the awful truth: there are LETTERS in my mailbox, and they must be opened.
Today this task was long overdue and I was dismayed to find SIX letters addressed to me. I sat down in front of the computer, logged into online banking, and started reading the bad news.
A letter from Bell telling me that I'd really, really enjoy watching "ExpressVu digital TV." No I wouldn't.
A bill for this month's car insurance payment. Don't these folks know my car is ill? Have they no decency? This is like sending a tax form to the relative of a dying grandmother.
Speaking of tax forms, a notice from the Canada Revenue Agency that I miscalculated my taxes this year...and I get $149.85 back. Whew!
A bill from Royal Bank thanking me for paying a huge chunk of my credit debt, but kindly reminding me that there's much more left to pay.
Another letter from Royal Bank containing a new debt card, this one with fancy chip technology. I am convinced that this chip stores confidential information about my right buttock.
A bill from CIBC, notifying me that this month's balance due is...$0.51, thanks to an odd interest fee that I have no memory of accumulating.
After all that worry I'd say I got off pretty lightly. I cannot always be so fortunate.
Today this task was long overdue and I was dismayed to find SIX letters addressed to me. I sat down in front of the computer, logged into online banking, and started reading the bad news.
A letter from Bell telling me that I'd really, really enjoy watching "ExpressVu digital TV." No I wouldn't.
A bill for this month's car insurance payment. Don't these folks know my car is ill? Have they no decency? This is like sending a tax form to the relative of a dying grandmother.
Speaking of tax forms, a notice from the Canada Revenue Agency that I miscalculated my taxes this year...and I get $149.85 back. Whew!
A bill from Royal Bank thanking me for paying a huge chunk of my credit debt, but kindly reminding me that there's much more left to pay.
Another letter from Royal Bank containing a new debt card, this one with fancy chip technology. I am convinced that this chip stores confidential information about my right buttock.
A bill from CIBC, notifying me that this month's balance due is...$0.51, thanks to an odd interest fee that I have no memory of accumulating.
After all that worry I'd say I got off pretty lightly. I cannot always be so fortunate.
Sunday, June 29, 2008
New "Domestic Drag Show" In the Works, Plus iMovie 7
I've mentioned that a new "Domestic Drag Show" was in the works. Since it's more of a "music video" sort of song as opposed to a "storytelling" song, I've just been filming bits and pieces over the last month with the intention of quick-cutting it together in iMovie.
Just to prove that I'm not talking out of my butt, here's a screenshot of the first thirty seconds of the project.
Much of today was spent trying to understand iMovie 7. While the previous version seemed deliberately obtuse, this one is downright kooky in its desire NOT to be useful, while simultaneously opening wide its metaphorical arms and screaming "LOVE ME, I'M CUTE!"
Still, iMovie 7 is a definite improvement over the previous version I was using. You can reuse clips, for one thing, and the trimming tools are a bit more powerful. But I'd give it all up for a proper timeline.
Incidentally, it's been noted in the past that my tripod isn't tall enough; it always shoots me under the chin. I have fixed this problem, as the screenshot above shows. Did I spend a ton of money on a professional camera setup? No, I invented a patented "tripod extender," shown below.
It isn't pretty and it sure ain't portable, BUT IT WORKS!
Just to prove that I'm not talking out of my butt, here's a screenshot of the first thirty seconds of the project.
Much of today was spent trying to understand iMovie 7. While the previous version seemed deliberately obtuse, this one is downright kooky in its desire NOT to be useful, while simultaneously opening wide its metaphorical arms and screaming "LOVE ME, I'M CUTE!"
Still, iMovie 7 is a definite improvement over the previous version I was using. You can reuse clips, for one thing, and the trimming tools are a bit more powerful. But I'd give it all up for a proper timeline.
Incidentally, it's been noted in the past that my tripod isn't tall enough; it always shoots me under the chin. I have fixed this problem, as the screenshot above shows. Did I spend a ton of money on a professional camera setup? No, I invented a patented "tripod extender," shown below.
It isn't pretty and it sure ain't portable, BUT IT WORKS!
Beckzy Has a Cold
I never fooled myself into thinking that my car has a bright and glorious future. Beckzy is well-worn and poised for the retirement home.
The thing is, she runs so WELL. Sure she sounds a bit farty when she accelerates, but LOTS of old broads sound like that. And if her doors let in the rain and there are a few coffee stains on the quote-unquote "upholstery," who am I to complain?
But today Beckzy began to make a new noise, a sort of pleasant whine which changes pitch depending on her speed. I tried to pretend that she was singing to me out of sheer joy, but self-deception won't get me very far (and will probably just leave me stranded on a highway somewhere). Nope, Beckzy has an as yet undiagnosed problem.
If she went belly-up on me tomorrow I would be very sad, but I would survive. I told Vanilla today that driving my car gives me an incredible sense of freedom. Vanilla said "Driving also gives you the freedom to pay bills." She knows.
So please say a prayer for Beckzy as I gird myself to take her to a mechanic. I'll probably get fleeced but hopefully my darling car will be better for it.
The thing is, she runs so WELL. Sure she sounds a bit farty when she accelerates, but LOTS of old broads sound like that. And if her doors let in the rain and there are a few coffee stains on the quote-unquote "upholstery," who am I to complain?
But today Beckzy began to make a new noise, a sort of pleasant whine which changes pitch depending on her speed. I tried to pretend that she was singing to me out of sheer joy, but self-deception won't get me very far (and will probably just leave me stranded on a highway somewhere). Nope, Beckzy has an as yet undiagnosed problem.
If she went belly-up on me tomorrow I would be very sad, but I would survive. I told Vanilla today that driving my car gives me an incredible sense of freedom. Vanilla said "Driving also gives you the freedom to pay bills." She knows.
So please say a prayer for Beckzy as I gird myself to take her to a mechanic. I'll probably get fleeced but hopefully my darling car will be better for it.
I'd Buy Anything By...Manfred Mann
Somehow, when I was twelve years old, I became fixated upon a Bob Dylan song called "The Mighty Quinn." I think my father used to sing it. For Christmas that year I received Manfred Mann's "Watch" album, in which "The Mighty Quinn" was transformed into an extended psychedelic freakout. This album, improbably, became the soundtrack to my junior highschool years.
Here is a contemporary performance by the band -- then called "Manfred Mann's Earth Band" -- showing that in many ways their songs were just excuses to jam. Check out the sublime guitar/keyboard interplay between Chris Thompson and Mr. Mann himself.
Eventually I realized that this whole "Manfred Mann" thing was much looser and stranger than I'd imagined, being a revolving door of top-flight musicians who performed around Mr. Mann and occasionally produced albums. They'd started out as an entertaining "British Beat" band (the "Do Wah Diddy Diddy" stuff), moved into R&B, then eventually became the whacked-out prog-rockers who I fell in love with. Their mystical, drug-inspired lyrics were pure magic to me as a child.
During the '80s they flirted with African rhythms and new wave -- which serious musician didn't? -- and then Mr. Mann started exploring free jazz...and eventually they moved out of my consciousness altogether. But I'll still pick up any Manfred Mann album I find, and I'll love it whether it's pop fluff like "Pretty Flamingo" or a thick slab of progressive sludginess.
It's difficult to recommend albums because the band has gone through so many changes. I'm partial to the "Earth Band" period so I recommend "Watch" as a good sampler, but the "Angel Station" album is PARTICULARLY moody and evil...if you find it, buy it and love it. You can stare at the cover art for hours.
Here is a contemporary performance by the band -- then called "Manfred Mann's Earth Band" -- showing that in many ways their songs were just excuses to jam. Check out the sublime guitar/keyboard interplay between Chris Thompson and Mr. Mann himself.
Eventually I realized that this whole "Manfred Mann" thing was much looser and stranger than I'd imagined, being a revolving door of top-flight musicians who performed around Mr. Mann and occasionally produced albums. They'd started out as an entertaining "British Beat" band (the "Do Wah Diddy Diddy" stuff), moved into R&B, then eventually became the whacked-out prog-rockers who I fell in love with. Their mystical, drug-inspired lyrics were pure magic to me as a child.
During the '80s they flirted with African rhythms and new wave -- which serious musician didn't? -- and then Mr. Mann started exploring free jazz...and eventually they moved out of my consciousness altogether. But I'll still pick up any Manfred Mann album I find, and I'll love it whether it's pop fluff like "Pretty Flamingo" or a thick slab of progressive sludginess.
It's difficult to recommend albums because the band has gone through so many changes. I'm partial to the "Earth Band" period so I recommend "Watch" as a good sampler, but the "Angel Station" album is PARTICULARLY moody and evil...if you find it, buy it and love it. You can stare at the cover art for hours.
Point-Form Hostessing
Let's make sure the music isn't too loud.
Do you all have drinks?
Thank goodness I bought more beer and vodka today, as though I knew this unexpected drop-in would happen. Do you want a beer or some vodka? I hope you like Dr. Pepper with your vodka.
Hmmm, I have gauged the ages and musical tastes of all my guests and I've decided on two types of music: The Beatles and Kate Bush. How wonderful to see a roomful of people swoon to George Harrison singing "Something!"
Get downstairs, you two. Don't you be neglecting everybody else.
Holy cow, where did the cat go? SHE'S BEEN LOCKED OUTSIDE FOR AN HOUR?
Now it's time for everybody to go home. I'm very sorry I didn't have chips or munchies or anything.
Yes, you really need to get into the taxi now. Love you.
The sun is coming up and the birds are chirping. I can't believe I've stayed up so late.
We are all allowed to be disruptive once in a while.
Do you all have drinks?
Thank goodness I bought more beer and vodka today, as though I knew this unexpected drop-in would happen. Do you want a beer or some vodka? I hope you like Dr. Pepper with your vodka.
Hmmm, I have gauged the ages and musical tastes of all my guests and I've decided on two types of music: The Beatles and Kate Bush. How wonderful to see a roomful of people swoon to George Harrison singing "Something!"
Get downstairs, you two. Don't you be neglecting everybody else.
Holy cow, where did the cat go? SHE'S BEEN LOCKED OUTSIDE FOR AN HOUR?
Now it's time for everybody to go home. I'm very sorry I didn't have chips or munchies or anything.
Yes, you really need to get into the taxi now. Love you.
The sun is coming up and the birds are chirping. I can't believe I've stayed up so late.
We are all allowed to be disruptive once in a while.
Saturday, June 28, 2008
In Praise of Elton John's Drummer
If you grew up listening to radio pop-rock during the '70s, you may be aware of a distinctive drum sound that has never reappeared.
I don't know exactly how to describe the sound. The simple explanation might be that the kick drum and snare drums are gated, have their volume boosted across all frequencies, and then are sent through an effects processor which adds a short plate reverb. Michael B. Tretow -- who produced some early ABBA singles which used this technique -- described it as sounding like a turkey being thrown against the wall.
Yes it does, a bit.
You'd hear this drum sound on any highly-produced pop-rock song which wasn't yet experimenting with disco: ABBA, Electric Light Orchestra, Supertramp, Harry Nilsson...and the "classic" Elton John line-up.
During my "breakfast walk" this morning I choose -- at random -- to listen to Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" double LP. Besides being perfect in almost every way -- the exception being "Jamaican Jerk-Off," which makes me scream every time -- this "thumpy drum" sound appears in most of the songs...you can hear it in "Benny and the Jets" and "I've Seen That Movie Too," though it would be used at its most extreme in "Better Off Dead" on his subsequent "Captain Fantastic Album."
While luxuriating in this distinctive sound I found myself paying attention to the elaborate rhythms of Elton John's band at the time. Considering that the songs were nominally based around piano, there's a surprising amount of rhythmic interplay between ALL the instruments, with Nigel Olsson's drums being particularly tricky. Again, I don't know which "drumming terms" to use, but I suppose the right word is "fills." Olsson's fills are perfect. He'd never hit a drum unless it accented the rhythm that the other instruments were playing at the time.
So here's to a drum sound that I haven't heard again since...
...though now that I think about it, you can hear a similar effect in "The W.A.N.D." by Flaming Lips, which must be one of the greatest songs ever, and is always an intricate thrill to dance to:
Given what I understand to be a Flaming Lips tendency to pay "homage" to their '70s influences, I suppose this make sense.
I don't know exactly how to describe the sound. The simple explanation might be that the kick drum and snare drums are gated, have their volume boosted across all frequencies, and then are sent through an effects processor which adds a short plate reverb. Michael B. Tretow -- who produced some early ABBA singles which used this technique -- described it as sounding like a turkey being thrown against the wall.
Yes it does, a bit.
You'd hear this drum sound on any highly-produced pop-rock song which wasn't yet experimenting with disco: ABBA, Electric Light Orchestra, Supertramp, Harry Nilsson...and the "classic" Elton John line-up.
During my "breakfast walk" this morning I choose -- at random -- to listen to Elton John's "Goodbye Yellow Brick Road" double LP. Besides being perfect in almost every way -- the exception being "Jamaican Jerk-Off," which makes me scream every time -- this "thumpy drum" sound appears in most of the songs...you can hear it in "Benny and the Jets" and "I've Seen That Movie Too," though it would be used at its most extreme in "Better Off Dead" on his subsequent "Captain Fantastic Album."
While luxuriating in this distinctive sound I found myself paying attention to the elaborate rhythms of Elton John's band at the time. Considering that the songs were nominally based around piano, there's a surprising amount of rhythmic interplay between ALL the instruments, with Nigel Olsson's drums being particularly tricky. Again, I don't know which "drumming terms" to use, but I suppose the right word is "fills." Olsson's fills are perfect. He'd never hit a drum unless it accented the rhythm that the other instruments were playing at the time.
So here's to a drum sound that I haven't heard again since...
...though now that I think about it, you can hear a similar effect in "The W.A.N.D." by Flaming Lips, which must be one of the greatest songs ever, and is always an intricate thrill to dance to:
Given what I understand to be a Flaming Lips tendency to pay "homage" to their '70s influences, I suppose this make sense.
Things You Can Say To Your Cat
Since we're talking about "cat intelligence," here's a list of phrases you might wish to use when interacting with your cat. I can't guarantee that they'll understand what you're saying, but note the simple syntax (excluding the final phrase, which expresses an idea that spayed or neutered cats would probably find nonsensical anyway).
Who's my pretty cat? This is a rhetorical question.
Awww, puss-puss-puss. An affectionate statement.
What do you want?
Look at you! Say this when the cat does something remarkable.
Want to go outside?
Want your treats?
Shush!
Yeah, you're my BEST girl. This is said while petting. May inspire jealousy if you have multiple female cats.
You'd be a BEAUTIFUL pair of mittens. Say this in a lighthearted way that makes the cat think you're being sweet, and then say "Har. Har."
Are you sad? Are you the saddest girl this side of the Baden Tower? Usually said in a mocking tone of voice, when the cat is upset about something trivial. You don't need to know where the Baden Tower is in order to say this.
What're you lookin' at? Not accusatory. Said when the cat is looking intently at something which you yourself can't see.
I'm sorry. Say this after a fight.
It's not that I don't love you, it's just that...well, you're a cat, and people would talk.
Who's my pretty cat? This is a rhetorical question.
Awww, puss-puss-puss. An affectionate statement.
What do you want?
Look at you! Say this when the cat does something remarkable.
Want to go outside?
Want your treats?
Shush!
Yeah, you're my BEST girl. This is said while petting. May inspire jealousy if you have multiple female cats.
You'd be a BEAUTIFUL pair of mittens. Say this in a lighthearted way that makes the cat think you're being sweet, and then say "Har. Har."
Are you sad? Are you the saddest girl this side of the Baden Tower? Usually said in a mocking tone of voice, when the cat is upset about something trivial. You don't need to know where the Baden Tower is in order to say this.
What're you lookin' at? Not accusatory. Said when the cat is looking intently at something which you yourself can't see.
I'm sorry. Say this after a fight.
It's not that I don't love you, it's just that...well, you're a cat, and people would talk.
Friday, June 27, 2008
Sherlock Holmes Solves Some Mysteries
The Case of the Oily Foundation
Even if you have a singularly oily T-Zone, purchase a non-greasy prep lotion such as the one marketed by Quo. It will give you that "fresh-faced lass" smoothness and also prevent your foundation from sliding off.
It was worth being mocked by a cosmetician to solve this case.
Yesterday's Gluteal Soreness
You're wondering why you woke up with a mysterious muscle-soreness running all down your right side? It's because you spent the day previous chasing a duckling under the cars in the parking lot. Seriously, Muffy, have you not yet learned that nature is cruel? You must rest your old bones.
The Mystery of the Early-Morning Cat
Have you not noticed that the cat ONLY does her early-morning yowling when the balcony door is open? Had it not occurred to you that this door lets in an uncommon amount of light, making the bedroom brighter than usual? Have you yourself not been fooled by this illumination?
It's not a wonder that your cat is being fooled, as she is dim-witted.
The Strange Case of the Rotting Vegetable Odour
It's garbage day, and all your windows are open! While YOU eat food which is so packed with preservatives that its half-life is measured in centuries, others eat fresh provender which decays more quickly.
So not to worry, my dear Muffy...that smell is coming from outside!
Even if you have a singularly oily T-Zone, purchase a non-greasy prep lotion such as the one marketed by Quo. It will give you that "fresh-faced lass" smoothness and also prevent your foundation from sliding off.
It was worth being mocked by a cosmetician to solve this case.
Yesterday's Gluteal Soreness
You're wondering why you woke up with a mysterious muscle-soreness running all down your right side? It's because you spent the day previous chasing a duckling under the cars in the parking lot. Seriously, Muffy, have you not yet learned that nature is cruel? You must rest your old bones.
The Mystery of the Early-Morning Cat
Have you not noticed that the cat ONLY does her early-morning yowling when the balcony door is open? Had it not occurred to you that this door lets in an uncommon amount of light, making the bedroom brighter than usual? Have you yourself not been fooled by this illumination?
It's not a wonder that your cat is being fooled, as she is dim-witted.
The Strange Case of the Rotting Vegetable Odour
It's garbage day, and all your windows are open! While YOU eat food which is so packed with preservatives that its half-life is measured in centuries, others eat fresh provender which decays more quickly.
So not to worry, my dear Muffy...that smell is coming from outside!
Wednesday, June 25, 2008
Scrutable [Song Lyric] Corner: "Mother's Home Again!"
Throughout 1928 The New Yorker ran a sporadic "song lyrics we'd like to hear" section, most of them satirizing the over-sentimental "moon/June" ballads of the time. In the 1928 Christmas issue (December 22) Don Marquis gave us this screwball ditty called "Mother's Home Again!"
I know that this is hardly the time for Christmas cheer, but view this as a window into the secret lives of your sweet, innocent grandparents. It's a surprisingly nasty piece of work.
** Either a forced rhyme, or Mother dyes her hair now, or maybe she got her head shaved at the jail?
I know that this is hardly the time for Christmas cheer, but view this as a window into the secret lives of your sweet, innocent grandparents. It's a surprisingly nasty piece of work.
'Twas on the Eve of Christmas* I assume this is from the 1920's slang word for "sweetheart," but may also reference a 1925 New Republic article called "Flapper Jane."
A face against the pane
Peered in at the firelight;
'Twas worn with vice, and plain;
But all the children shouted:
"Mother's home again!"
Mother's out of jail, Dad!
Let us ask her in!
Make her Christmas merry,
With food and fire and gin!
Mother's out of jail, Dad,
Let us ask her in!
She's watching through the window
Her babes in happy play;
Do not call a copper
To club the Jane* away--
Remember, ere you strike her,
That once her hair was gray!**
Soon at some new night-club
She'll be pinched again,
For Mother is so popular
With all the dancing men--
Invite her in to visit,
Mother's home again!
She's staring through the window
At the Yuletide glow!
Oh, do not throw the old wife
Back into the snow!
She bore you all your children,
And oft has told you so.
Mother's in the street, Dad!
She is out of jail!
Put morphine in the needles,
And some ether in the ale,
Mother's home for Christmas,
Mother's out of jail!
** Either a forced rhyme, or Mother dyes her hair now, or maybe she got her head shaved at the jail?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)