Vintage Muffy Part Two: Guelph Pride 2005

Aha, before I forget about this, here's something totally bizarre that I stumbled upon a few months ago:


Click here to see the entire set, which I like to call "Muffy with Child." During my first number, this little girl decided she simply HAD to dance with me, and she emulated my silly choreography from beginning to end (right down to the rocket-powered hands and -- as you can see -- my pigeon-toes). She was the unselfconscious star!

And check out the other photos by Vaneramos...he has quite an eye.

Silent Films with Crazed Animal Commentary

I'm watching "More Treasures from American Film Archives Volume One," a collection which features more muttonchops/minute than a documentary about Canadian Confederation.

Sometimes I find silent films to be tiresome, but this time I'm blessed with running commentary by Jackson, my neighbour's dog.

Jackson's silent film commentary is insightful, especially since he can't actually SEE what I'm watching...all he can HEAR is the torturous ragtime piano they always dub over these things. When the bronco knocks the cowboy off his horse, Jackson lets loose with a machine-gun staccato of sharp, horse-hating barks. When the furniture falls off the back of the carriage, Jackson makes a terrible wet gargling noise, as though he were trying to eat a stinging jellyfish. In the end, when the hero gets the girl, Jackson's only comment is a mournful, ear-piercing howl, as if to say "when will *I* have a girl to love?" Or perhaps he's just saying "HELP!"

The Barthathon: "Sabbatical"

Having passed the axis mundi and entered the second half of his literary output (so far), John Barth puts aside his "love it or lump it" style of conceptual fiction and eases us into "Sabbatical's" (1982) gentle estuaries.

Subtitled "A Romance," it is certainly that. This is the first time that Barth focuses on mundane human problems, midlife crises, and ennui, as opposed to unusual or historically-significant plot complications. In less skillful hands these topics could be dull, but BARTH KNOWS PEOPLE, at least certain TYPES of people. He deeply understands the angst of his characters, and "Sabbatical" is, at its heart, a dialog of angst.

Fenwick and Susan are married. They've embarked on an extended sailing trip to try to come to terms with their problems, and to make some crucial decisions about their future. At the beginning we're unsure of what their problems actually are, and their marriage seems pretty much perfect...but as the book's OTHER subtitle promises us ("A wry, mysterious tale about love, the sea, and storytelling") there is much going on below the surface, and I'm not just talking about Chessie.

The C.I.A. is involved. Relatives have disappeared mysteriously. Fenwick and Susan find themselves on an impossibly uncharted island, where Fenn loses his beloved boina and gets fired upon. Susan's family is a strange mess of authors, revolutionaries, and subnormal children, and Fenwick worries that the government may have designs on his heart. Huge, beautifully-described storms at sea bracket the equally awesome emotional blowouts on the boat, which crash towards a conclusion that SHOULDN'T have a happy ending...

...but does. I can't tell you about Fenwick's final revelation, but I WILL say that it's one of the most satisfying and surprising resolutions I've ever come across. It's the sort of "click" that should have come at the end of "Giles Goat-Boy." It's perfect and makes some of the more annoying elements of the book worthwhile.

Because, yes, "Sabbatical" is about "storytelling," so it is actually the story that Fenwick and Susan have written about their own adventure. You get the co-authors squabbling within the text itself. You get footnotes that are supposed to help introduce characters (but instead are just misplaced and confusing). You get the usual Barth practice of each character having multiple nicknames, and the need to describe in great detail how each name came about. You also get the intelligent, cute, sexually explicit and pun-filled "man and wife" dialog that we first read in "Chimera" and which finds its full expression here.

Also, for the first time, Barth REALLY lets loose with the sailing. Todd Andrews had an extended bit of sailing at the end of "LETTERS," but here we get an anatomical description of boats, procedures, and Maryland geography. I personally don't know the first thing about boats...in fact, the only boating information I've ever read has come from books by John Barth. But even so, he describes everything with such vivid joy that you can't help but appreciate the journey, even if you don't know what it means to "roller-furl" a "genoa."

This is Barth's most concise and beautiful book. I've never read it before and it's been a real delight, especially during the last fifty pages when things began to gel. If I were to recommend an introductory John Barth novel to a curious reader, this would be the one. Hint hint!

Barthy themes we read in "Sabbatical" for the first time: "on with the story" and references to Cervantes. Themes that continue from "LETTERS": Francis Scott Key, Edgar Allen Poe, the C.I.A., characters who have been somehow involved in literary history, and "Barataria." Themes that we've been coming across for a long time: water-messages, sea-nettles, twins, impotency, night-sea-journeys, the heroic pattern, Scheherazade, personified eggs and sperm.

The World

Sometimes, in "the world" (which we are all in), we need to decide what WE can do. We need to meet our own needs, obviously, and the needs of those who depend on us. But after that, what have we accomplished? Have we made somebody happy? Have we left something, contributed something? Have we left a positive mark, or a negative one?

I feel that, suddenly, I'm confronted with the positive/negative issue. Since I am single and somewhat selfish, this is especially difficult because I can't just say "I have children" and pretend that that -- alone -- makes a positive contribution. I need to wonder about art, society, "The World." What have I done?

All of us, I think, should take stock occasionally. Do the inventory. Do it realistically. John Barth -- who I'm reading an awful lot of -- thinks that our STORIES are important...the things we do, accomplish, and be. I agree to an extent but I wonder about MY story...what does it tell? How does it end? What sort of "character" am I?

You know what? I think I shape up pretty good. I could exit with a more-or-less clear conscience right at this moment, thinking that I wasn't too lazy, too selfish, too stupid. But if I have more time allotted to me, I suppose I want to become a less FRAGILE person, a person who can stand up not just to the easy and stupid stuff, but to the moderately annoying stuff, and to the REALLY BAD STUFF.

I can look at myself and say that I've reached a good first step. I'm setting goals and trying to reach them. I'm trying to live effectively, happily, productively, without getting stuck in a rut.

Eric -- who, if you've been following this blog, you might remember -- would respond with "what?" I'd say in return that people who are in the middle of something don't necessarily understand what they are in the middle of. I don't know. I feel the need to express it. This is what I'm thinking about right now, and if a blog isn't a bin for important thoughts and feelings, what is it for?

I guess what I'm saying -- part of it -- is that I treasure you, good people. I really do. Knowing that you are "there" is something that keeps me going almost as much as my parents or my cat or my basic need to continue. I might not say it enough, but I'm working on that. We are all trying to get along in "the world," and if you can spare just a moment to wonder how you are accomplishing that goal, then I think you're doing just fine. Most people don't stop to think.

And now, something more beautiful and meaningful than I could EVER post: Book of Love's "Pretty Boys and Pretty Girls."

The Yeast Makes Enemies

It's not unusual for the New Yorker cartoonists to make fun of their own sponsors, but here's my personal favourite:


If you're too lethargic and constipated to click on the picture for a larger view, he's saying "Yeast eater!" This an unquestionable reference to the advertisements for Fleischmann's Yeast, a ridiculous 1920's cure-all that I've been posting about occasionally.

You might be amazed to learn that Fleischmann's Yeast is still being sold, though no longer as a curative...people just bake bread with it nowadays.

You might also be interested to hear that Peter Arno -- originator of the "Whoops Sisters," who flounced through The New Yorker from 1925 to 1927 -- was also married to Lois Long, and somehow I think they both deserved each other.

Break Out the Snappy Cheese

The John Barth Sailing Game!

Next time you're reading a John Barth novel, play "The John Barth Sailing Game!" Or, next time you're playing "The John Barth Sailing Game," why not go for a final sail up the Chesapeake? And next time you're sailing up the Chesapeake, why not read a novel by John Barth?

On with the game!

• Every time you see a loblolly pine, keep sailing until you see the next loblolly pine.
  
• If a character has multiple names that are used interchangeably, attempt to drown yourself with insufficient ballast.
• Is there a "Baratarian" in the book? Shiver within your foul-weather gear.
• If Edgar Allan Poe or Miguel de Cervantes are referenced, go back and brush up on your classics, otherwise you'll get lost.
  
• Sail quietly past any plotlines involving the C.I.A.
  
• When a pair of intelligent, literate, married adults enjoy a pun-filled confessional dialogue that is liberally sprinkled with explicit sex-talk, stop the boat and wash your hands.
• When somebody goes sailing, sail on! Once upon a time / there was a boat trip that began / once upon a time...
• Impotency? Twins? Thank your lucky stars.
• Be simultaneously chivalrous and enlightened when Scheherazade drops by.
  
• A character subverts the illusion of dialog by ending the reiteration of a previously-described idea with "et cetera"? Skip an estuary!
• Hey, is that a message in a bottle off to starboard? You'd better stop, read it, and then LIVE it.
• Don't eat the Maryland Beaten Biscuits.
• If a sperm or an egg is anthropomorphized, decide whether you should head upstream or downstream. Then decide which fork to take.
  
• Proceed directly to Fort McHenry whenever Francis Scott Key is mentioned.
  
• Proceed directly to Key Island whenever Fort McHenry et cetera.
• Keep your eyes peeled during the Night Sea Journey.
  
• Is the key to the treasure actually the treasure? Have some adventures and find out!
  

If you decide to turn this into a drinking game, I take no responsibility for your pathetic drunkenness.

Big Film Meme

I don't know what the purpose of this meme is exactly, but I'm adopting it from The Mind Wobbles. You're supposed to simply count the number of these films that you've actually seen; if you score more than 85 then you are declared "lacking in life."

The films are a bit of a mix, but they are overwhelmingly American, popular, major-release, and made in the last 30 years. So while I consider myself to have seen an awful lot of films, all those Bergman and Gilliam and Waters movies -- not to mention the musicals, silent films, experimental films -- aren't part of this list, and my score is a measly 69.

Wait...that means I DO have a life! Hurray!

(x) Rocky Horror Picture Show - I love it! Exuberance, strangeness, great songs, Magenta. I would ESPECIALLY love to see it in a theater, but I bet I'd want to strangle people.
(x) Grease - It's all about Jan. Brusha-brusha-brusha...
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean - In our QA department this is one of the movies we test our products over. I saw it at least 100 times while working in that department, but I've never seen it with SOUND...so it doesn't count.
( ) Pirates of the Caribbean 2: Dead Man's Chest
( ) Boondock Saints
( ) Fight Club
(x) Starsky and Hutch - Another of our QA films. I loved the TV series when I was a kid. The movie was rotten. Somebody please remove Juliette Lewis.
(x) Neverending Story - Yes, but I was very small and I don't remember much.
(x) Blazing Saddles - Funny in parts, but does make me cringe.
(x) Airplane - Must have watched this a dozen times as a kid, and I still enjoy it, though the formula has been a bit diluted by similar movies.
( ) The Princess Bride
( ) AnchorMan
( ) Napoleon Dynamite
(x) Labyrinth - A bit too fantasy-muppety for my taste, but hey, David Bowie.
(x) Saw - Oooo, oooo, look how EDGY we are. Ignore the plotholes, look at the scary puppet!
( ) Saw II
( ) White Noise - If it ain't Don Delillo, I ain't watchin'. And it ain't Don Delillo.
( ) White Oleander
( ) Anger Management
( ) 50 First Dates
( ) The Princess Diaries
( ) The Princess Diaries 2: Royal Engagement
(x) Scream - I liked it, though it was obviously inspired by an earlier independent film called "There's Something Out There."
( ) Scream 2
( ) Scream 3
(x) Scary Movie - Mindless and occasionally fun.
(x) Scary Movie 2 - Ditto.
( ) Scary Movie 3
( ) Scary Movie 4
(x) American Pie - Also mindless and occasionally fun. I did enjoy the "Band Camp" girl though, and also the odd Bollywood remake (Dil Chahta Hai).
( ) American Pie 2
( ) American Wedding
( ) American Pie Band Camp Even I know when to quit.
(x) Harry Potter 1 - It was obviously made for people who have read the book, which doesn't include me.
( ) Harry Potter 2
( ) Harry Potter 3
( ) Harry Potter 4
(x) Resident Evil 1
(x) Resident Evil 2 - I'm always in the mood for a good mutation gross-out. The first was better, but the second prominently features the Toronto City Hall.
( ) The Wedding Singer
( ) Little Black Book
( ) The Village
( ) Lilo & Stitch
( ) Finding Nemo
( ) Finding Neverland
( ) Signs
( ) The Grinch
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre - I seriously think this is one of the greatest movies of all time. It captures a subtle alternate reality (as imposed by the absolute will of "The Family") and is really, really unpleasant.
(x) Texas Chainsaw Massacre: The Beginning - Crappy.
( ) White Chicks
( ) Butterfly Effect
( ) 13 Going on 30
( ) I, Robot
( ) Robots
( ) Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story
( ) Universal Soldier
( ) Lemony Snicket: A Series Of Unfortunate Events
( ) Along Came Polly
( ) Deep Impact
( ) KingPin
( ) Never Been Kissed
( ) Meet The Parents
( ) Meet the Fockers
( ) Eight Crazy Nights
( ) Joe Dirt
( ) King Kong
( ) A Cinderella Story
( ) The Terminal
( ) The Lizzie McGuire Movie
( ) Passport to Paris
( ) Dumb & Dumber
( ) Dumber & Dumberer
( ) Final Destination
( ) Final Destination 2
( ) Final Destination 3
(x) Halloween - Oh, absolutely. Brilliant. Once again, a cohesive alternate reality due to the sheer force of one person's evil.
(x) The Ring - Scarier than the Japanese version (except for the ending, which was so shocking and unexpected in the original).
( ) The Ring 2
( ) Surviving X-MAS
( ) Flubber
( ) Harold & Kumar Go To White Castle
( ) Practical Magic
( ) Chicago - I'm afraid to see it, lest I turn out to be really good.
(x) Ghost Ship - Yup, not very good. My nephew was in love with it so we got to re-watch all the "good parts" together.
( ) From Hell
( ) Hellboy
( ) Secret Window
( ) I Am Sam
( ) The Whole Nine Yards
( ) The Whole Ten Yards
( ) The Day After Tomorrow
( ) Child's Play
( ) Seed of Chucky
( ) Bride of Chucky
( ) Ten Things I Hate About You
( ) Just Married
( ) Gothika
(x) Nightmare on Elm Street - Ditto "Texas Chainsaw Massacre" and "Halloween," above.
(x) Sixteen Candles - My childhood, but so UNLIKE my childhood.
( ) Remember the Titans
( ) Coach Carter
(x) The Grudge - I did see the Japanese version. Didn't make a lick of sense.
( ) The Grudge 2
( ) The Mask
( ) Son Of The Mask
( ) Bad Boys
( ) Bad Boys 2
( ) Joy Ride
( ) Lucky Number Slevin
(x) Ocean's Eleven - You know those movies that are so bland that you don't remember a thing about them? This is one.
( ) Ocean's Twelve
( ) Bourne Identity
( ) Bourne Supremacy
( ) Lone Star
( ) Bedazzled
(x) Predator I - It was okay, but I've never understood the almost fetishy fanbase.
( ) Predator II
(x) The Fog - Very scary original. Very lame remake.
( ) Ice Age
( ) Ice Age 2: The Meltdown
( ) Curious George
(x) Independence Day - Another movie so bland that I've forgotten most of it.
(x) Cujo - Scared the heck out of me, but hey, not ALL St. Bernards are bad!
( ) A Bronx Tale
( ) Darkness Falls
(x) Christine - Not as good as the book, but still credible. Love the John Carpenter music. And there's a Bollywood version of this one as well: "Taarzan the Wonder Car."
(x) ET - I was very, very young when I saw it. I think it scared me.
(x) Children of the Corn - bleck.
( ) My Boss's Daughter
( ) Maid in Manhattan
(x) War of the Worlds - I must be the only person who loves the Spielberg remake. I think it's all due to the horrifying sound the tripods make.
( ) Rush Hour
( ) Rush Hour 2
( ) Best Bet
( ) How to Lose a Guy in 10 Days
( ) She's All That
( ) Calendar Girls - Awesome
( ) Sideways
(x) Mars Attacks - Cute. Funny. Lisa-Marie.
(x) Event Horizon - Hellraiser in Space?
( ) Ever After
(x) Wizard of Oz - All those years ago.
(x) Forrest Gump - I saw it with my mom. I much prefer "Gumped Again" in "Cecil B. Demented."
(x) Big Trouble in Little China - I love it. I can't believe it when a person DOESN'T love it.
(x) The Terminator - Yawn.
( ) The Terminator 2
( ) The Terminator 3
(x) X-Men - Yep, it's another movie we did QA over.
(x) X-2 - Ditto.
( ) X-3
(x) Spider-Man - DITTO!
( ) Spider-Man 2
( ) Sky High
( ) Jeepers Creepers
( ) Jeepers Creepers 2
( ) Catch Me If You Can
( ) The Little Mermaid
(x) Freaky Friday - The original, yes, with the amazing (and underrated) Barbara Harris.
( ) Reign of Fire
( ) The Skulls
( ) Cruel Intentions
( ) Cruel Intentions 2
( ) The Hot Chick
(x) Shrek - Yet ANOTHER movie we did QA over. When will "The Mummy" and "Ronin" show up in this list, I wonder?
( ) Shrek 2
( ) Swimfan
(x) Miracle on 34th street - The original, I barely remember it.
( ) Old School
( ) The Notebook
( ) K-Pax
( ) Krippendorf's Tribe
( ) A Walk to Remember
( ) Ice Castles
( ) Boogeyman
( ) The 40-year-old Virgin
(x) Lord of the Rings Fellowship of the Ring
(x) Lord of the Rings The Two Towers
(x) Lord of the Rings Return Of the King - Just fine, but nothing more than that.
(x) Indiana Jones and the Raiders of the Lost Ark - I really should watch it again, because all I remember is the Nazi-face-melt.
( ) Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom
( ) Indiana Jones and the Last Crusade
( ) Basketball
( ) Hostel
(x) Waiting for Guffman - Oh, just brilliant!
(x) House of 1000 Corpses - Homages only work if they don't star Rob Zombie's dizzy wife.
( ) Devils Rejects
( ) Elf
( ) Highlander
( ) Mothman Prophecies
( ) American History X
( ) Three
( ) The Jacket
( ) Kung Fu Hustle
( ) Shaolin Soccer
( ) Nightwatch
( ) Monsters Inc.
( ) Titanic
(x) Monty Python and the Holy Grail - Funny, funny, funny.
(x) Shaun Of the Dead - I just love their "walk like a zombie" scene.
( ) Willard
( ) High Tension
( ) Club Dread
( ) Hulk
(x) Dawn Of the Dead - The original was a grotesque and mesmerizing epic. The remake was...well, fun at least.
( ) Hook
(x) Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion the Witch and the Wardrobe - Saw it because "Aeon Flux" was no longer playing. As much as I dislike manipulative religious evangelicalism, it was still better than "Aeon Flux" turned out to be.
(x) 28 days later - Good stuff.
( ) Orgazmo
(x) Phantasm - When you're a gorehound little kid, this is the film you love. As an adult it makes you a tad embarrassed.
( ) Waterworld
( ) Kill Bill vol 1
( ) Kill Bill vol 2
( ) Mortal Kombat
( ) Wolf Creek
( ) Kingdom of Heaven
(x) The Hills Have Eyes - The original, yes. And even the sequel with all the dirtbikes.
(x) I Spit on Your Grave aka the Day of the Woman - Nasty, nasty film.
(x) The Last House on the Left - Another nasty, nasty, NASTY film.
(x) Re-Animator - Oh yes, give me that mutant gore!
(x) Army of Darkness - The weakest link of the trilogy, too nerdy by half, but still fun.
( ) Star Wars Ep. I The Phantom Menace
( ) Star Wars Ep. II Attack of the Clones
( ) Star Wars Ep. III Revenge of the Sith
(x) Star Wars Ep. IV A New Hope - Saw it as a child, rewatched it as an adult, still seems like a kid's movie to me.
(x) Star Wars Ep. V The Empire Strikes Back
(x) Star Wars Ep. VI Return of the Jedi
( ) Ewoks Caravan Of Courage
( ) Ewoks The Battle For Endor
(x) The Matrix - Fun enough for me to NOT want to see the sequels.
( ) The Matrix Reloaded
( ) The Matrix Revolutions
( ) Animatrix
(x) Evil Dead
(x) Evil Dead 2 - Joyous mayhem!
( ) Team America: World Police
(x) Red Dragon - Does "Manhunter" count?
(x) Silence of the Lambs - Goodness, have to watch this again.
( ) Hannibal

GRAND TOTAL = 69

Shakin' the Blues Away!

Last year, Lydia of Delirium Clothing made me a FABULOUS replica of Ann Miller's "Shakin' the Blues Away" outfit (from "Easter Parade"). I've never been able to get a picture of it that does it justice, but last night...

Click to see the dress that we affectionately call "The Bumblebee." And I'm the lucky person in it!

Because It's Saturday: Dalbello

Since I'm on a "Morgan James kick," I'm remembering all those things she recommended to me. She was fond of Dalbello's album "Whore," and while I love Dalbello's earlier work I never got around to picking it up.

Now I've got it, and it's incredible. This here is my personal favourite song: "Eleven."

When I was a kid, I remember my uncle complaining that "Dalbello used to be so PRETTY, and now she's SCARY!" Well, yes, and good for her. "Gonna Get Close To You" (her "I'm scary, so deal with it" song) is one I love to perform, but you've got to have the right sort of crowd. It's one of the most brilliant musical moments of the '80s...and she's from TORONTO, for goodness' sake.