Monday, May 26, 2008

Madly Revolving Neighbours

What is it about my apartment building, anyway? DOES IT SUCK SO BAD?

Nobody manages to live in the unit next to me for more than a few months at a time. Sometimes this is good -- as with the chain-smoking woman and her psychotic dog -- but now it turns out that I'm losing the first REALLY GOOD neighbour I've ever had there.

My definition of "really good" is "I barely know he's there." I haven't written about him because I don't him to get angry and stuff gobs of feces into the air vent. I also don't want to jinx a good thing...traditionally, as soon as I say a person is "quiet," that person decides to open a boozecan and take up the drums.

I just learned today -- through secondhand gossip -- that my mysterious neighbour is moving out soon. My first thought was that he got tired of hearing the Doctor Who theme across the wall, but chances are he viewed this apartment the way so many people do: as a springboard to a house. May his first home be a happy one.

Since he'll be leaving and I can no longer offend him with personal details, let me tell you a little bit about him:

* He's a fantastic trumpet player, but he only plays it in moderation. One day his teacher came over and they did a jazzy back-and-forth that was actually worth listening to. I'm glad he doesn't play it all the time, but it's nice to hear him play occasionally.

* He eats very early breakfasts. Each weekday morning at 4:30am I wake up to the smell of bacon and eggs drifting through the cracks in the walls. Do you know how hard it is to fall back to sleep when you're smelling such a thing?

* For some reason, a female visitor in a little red car would always come over and park in the middle of the parking lot. Like, she wouldn't park in an actual parking spot, she would just pull in halfway and leave the car as an obstacle for everybody else to get around. She was otherwise extremely nice, and to this day I'm unable to figure out why she did such a thing.

So no more mysterious neighbour. As usual I offer up my semi-monthly "Unit A Prayer," which goes something like this:
Please God, don't send me a loud person.
Make sure they're gentle and peaceful and odourless.
Definitely no pets.

Please God, give them quiet feet on the creaky stairway
and no loud parties in the parking lot,
and a sleeping schedule that's identical to mine.

If they MUST have a pet, make it a lizard or a turtle.

Please God, provide them with open minds
and a friendly, considerate attitude.
May their intercourse be fast,
and may I stay downwind of their stinky food.

If there's a baby I will die.

Amen.

8 comments:

jj said...

May their intercourse be fast,br/>i>

you can actually hear neighbours when they are at it? Ewwwwww.


and may I stay downwind of their stinky food

Pervert!

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Oh, believe me, I can hear my neighbours having sex. I've spent the last eight years hearing my neighbours having sex.

Things got a bit more interesting when the SQUIRRELS would have sex, but recently it's just been humans.

Kimber said...

Isn't that just the worst? Yech.

When I lived in the Albert Gardens townhouse ghetto I actually had to bang on the bedroom wall on several occasions to get my neighbour to keep it down. Nasty.

jj said...

Would it make a difference if they shifted the action to the floor? Is there a difference between doggie and mish?
Enquiring minds want to know. :)

Muffy St. Bernard said...

I don't mind people getting some joy, but it tends to happen late at night. I have been tempted to bang on the wall but then I wonder if I'm just being bitter.

Muffy St. Bernard said...

I've tried not to analyze the sounds too carefully, JJ, but it seems like half of the sound is the bed. Some folks do a bit of whooping. Generally, though, it's just a repeated thumping of bedposts on floor.

I should point out that I haven't heard much of that in my current building, but it still has crept in now and then.

And maybe this line will correct that italics tag you left open in the first comment. :)

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Drat!

jj said...

Yeah!