Nay Gentle Reader, Dry Those Tears

I'm continuing my survey of early New Yorker advertisements with this one from Watson Stabilators.

I'm not sure exactly what a "Watson Stabilator" was, but I can take a guess. I'm assuming that cars in the mid-'20s had pathetic shock absorbers...coupled with uneven road surfaces this must have made for a bumpy ride.

So if you wanted to make your ride smoother you'd have to buy a third-party shock absorber, this being in the day when you could still mix and match the parts of your car with relative ease.

The "Watson Stabilator" advertisements are of the "funny story" variety that I keep coming back to, and they often involve people who have suffered some kind of injury. Instead of feeling sorry for these people, we're told that they're used to being injured because they don't have a Stabilated car. All in fun, though maybe folks with a mild S&M steak might enjoy these in particular.

Nay, gentle reader, dry those tears.

It's just too sweet of you to be so sympathetic, but really the emotion is misdirected.

True, the lady's pride is somewhat dented, but she is entirely undamaged otherwise--or should we say elsewhere?

You see, her system has developed a complete immunity to jolts and jars, however violent. For she is one of that strange band of Spartans who subject themselves to continuous discipline by driving un-Stabilated cars. What is an extra bump here and there to one who would rather take her dozens daily than do her daily dozen?

Apparently "daily dozen" referred to a person's morning exercise routine. It was coined by Walter Camp in the early 1900s, referring to a set of twelve specific calisthenics.

By the way, I'd bet dollars to dozen that the illustration was drawn by Johann Bull, one of my favourite New Yorker cartoonists. This isn't his usual style, but the noses of those laughing collegiates are pure Bull.

Because It's Saturday: Concrete Blonde

A killer combination: Johnette's powerhouse voice (and short-lived Super-Goth look), James' best subtle guitar (and short-lived Byron Poet look), Paul Thompson's thumpy drums (a short-lived member of the band between Roxy Music reunions), and a Leonard Cohen song.

This is the ultimate cover of an already beautiful song.

The Drag Queen's Ten Commandments

"The Actor's Ten Commandments" (in The New Yorker, December 31, 1927) can easily be adapted to "The Drag Queen's Ten Commandments" with very little change:

1. Honour thyself above all other drag queens; there is no other queen before thee.
2. Honour thy RuPaul and Miss America.
3. Thou shalt not covet thy neighbour's signature tune.
4. Thou shalt not steal the show.
5. Thou shalt not talk shit.
   
6. Thou shalt not partake of illicit substances in the dressing room.
7. Thou shalt not borrow thy neighbour's foundation, nor her hairpins, nor her jewellery.
8. Thou shalt not bear false witness when holding a microphone.
9. Thou shalt not take the name of the bar in vain.
10. Thou shalt join the Imperial Court for thou art all for one, and that one is thyself.
    

Open Letter to People in Cars

Please, when you're waiting to turn right at a red light, don't do a kamikaze turn immediately when the light turns green without checking for pedestrians first. When I see the walk signal, I start walking because I have an unambiguous right-of-way. I'm funny like that.

Certain corners seem to be worse for this than others: Caroline and William in particular. I pretty much expect people to try to hit me as I start crossing, so I always make a quick (and legal) step out just to wake them up and get them off their darn cel phones.

PS: Drivers, also signal when you turn, so I know which direction you're going at an intersection. We'll all be happier.

Feature Films For Families: Savvy Telemarketing

Last week I got a phone call from somebody doing a "survey" about family entertainment. She was a real, live human being and she actually responded to my questions, but it was obvious she was fronting for "Feature Films for Families," as she asked if they could call me for my opinions about family entertainment. Sure, I said. Either they were genuinely producing good, value-driven films for kids, in which case I'm supportive, or they're a sugar-coated evangelical organization, in which case I'd be up for an argument.

Today I got a call back from a pleasant person who spoke in measured, reassuring, obviously-scripted tones. The strangeness started almost immediately. Here's a slightly shortened transcript.

Him: "Which children under 16 are you involved with?"
Me: "My nephew, who's about 16."
(Beep, then long pause...)
Me: "Hello?"
Him: "Could you please say that again?"
Me: "My 16-year-old nephew."
(Beep)
Him: "I'm glad to hear that. Are you aware that Disney is refusing to make family films that do NOT contain a certain amount of profanity?"
Me: "Wow, I hadn't heard that."
Him: "Well--"
Me: "Can you give me a source or a reference for that? I'd like to check it out."
(Beep, long pause...)
Me: "Hello? You keep--"
Him: "I'm sorry. Do you agree that more films need to reinforce traditional values?"
Me: "I think--"
(Beep, long pause...)
Me: "You keep cutting out."
Him: "Could you please repeat that?"
Me: "Listen, are you a computer or a real person?"
Him: "Ha-ha-ha. I'm not that bad, am I?"
Me: "It's just--"
Him: "I assure you that this is not a computerized call, though it is being monitored for quality assurance purposes."
Me: "It's just that you keep cutting out. Okay, I got distracted, what was the question again?"
Him: "Do you agree that more films need to reinforce traditional values?"
Me: "That depends on the traditional values. My idea of 'traditional values' isn't necessarily the same as yours."
(Beep, short pause)
Him: "I agree. Based on our discussion, I'd like to recommend two movies to you: 'The Penny Promise' and 'Who Stole My Voice?' Each DVD is $19.95. Can we arrange payment and send these films to you?"
Me: "I'm going to check out your website first, and then if I choose to order a movie, I'm sure I can do it through the site."
Him: "We understand that you don't know much about us. Unlike Disney, we do not have millions of dollars to spend on advertisements."
Me: "Your phone call is an effective advertisement. Thanks for calling, and I'll look at the website."
Him: "The telephone is not the best way to communicate, and we may not have called you at a good time. We can send you the DVDs and defer payment for thirty days."
Me: "No, I will check out your website first, and do any ordering from there."
Him: "Security is always a concern. We assure you that no sensitive payment information will be sent over the telephone."
Me: "The hard sell doesn't work for me, it just annoys me. You're getting really obnoxious."
(Beep, long pause...)
Me: "Hello?"
Him: "Would you like use to send you a single DVD, with deferred payment and a full money back guarantee?"
Me: "No."
(Pause)
Him: "May we call you back at another time?"
Me: "No."
Him: "Thank you for taking this call, goodbye."

This exchange was essentially a Turing test for me, and I'm still not 100% sure whether I was talking to Eliza or a human. I don't think he was an incredibly sophisticated computer, unless voice recognition software has progressed since I last checked. Maybe some sort of software was being used during the beeps and pauses -- that would explain why a simple "yes" or "no" caused a swift response -- but I assume he was mainly reading a branching script which he was absolutely FORBIDDEN to deviate from.

These scripts produce the strange feeling that you ARE talking to a computer, since the responses can never QUITE match your answers. It all felt very weird, and I was fascinated until he started aggressively selling to me. In my world, "no" really DOES mean "no."

The "Feature Films for Families" religious ties are also ambivalent...I've done a lot of Googling around, but their "traditional values" seem to MAINLY be -- gasp! -- honesty, effective problem solving, and respect. Some of their DVDs have religious connotations, but if the others do they've made darn sure not to set off any alarm bells. In any case, even if I DID have a child, I would NOT buy ANYTHING from a company that so forcefully (and deceptively) tried to sell me their product.

For more about this telemarketing technique, get it right from the horse's mouth. Several people have blogged about these weird calls from "Feature Films for Families," and it sounds like their script hasn't changed in years.

A Sad Hair-well

After a year with my wonderful stylist Sonja, I had to say a sad goodbye to her tonight; she's moving to a new salon which is inconvenient for me to get to. Goodbye, Sonja, and thank you for the farewell hair-clip! And heck, the swoopy bang was worth a try, wasn't it?

Shuffle On the MuffyPod: July 4th

1. La Valse d'Eugénie (Men Without Hats)
2. A Message (Coldplay)
3. Speak My Language (Laurie Anderson)
4. Ricky (Butthole Surfers)
5. Black Milk (Massive Attack)
6. Under Water (Gerald Kukulenz)
7. Home (Public Image Ltd.)
8. It Will Be Good - S.t.e.r.n Remix (Dana International)
9. Bertie (Kate Bush)
10. SlaaplieDJe (The Legendary Pink Dots)
    

Spanish Children's Songs

It's definitely worth going over to The Mind Wobbles and checking out her personal translation of Spanish children's songs. These sorts of songs tend to be ridiculous, but since we grew up with our own batch of them we view them with gentle sentimentality (or hatred). So reading the children's songs from another culture is a bit of a shake up...do OUR beloved childhood songs sound as silly as:

I have a milk cow
It isn’t just a regular cow.
She gives me condensed milk
Oh what a sassy cow!
Tolon, tolon.
Tolon, tolon.

Probably yes.

While I remember so many songs that we had to sing in "music class," I don't remember actually singing them. I was too shy, so I perfected the art of opening my mouth and PRETENDING to sing "Oh Canada," without actually making a sound.

Lip syncing even then.

Surprisingly Good Music: Hank Pine and Lily Fawn

I try not to write music reviews because I'm tempted to use words like "fabulous" or "wonderful," which don't communicate anything except my own enthusiasm. I'm trying to remove words like that from my vocabulary. This is what a year of technical writing has done to me.

But I've just run across a duo so "fabulous" and "wonderful" that I can't help yelling about them: Hank Pine and Lily Fawn.

Hank plays cello, draws cartoons, and wears a chemical mask on his face. Lily wears deer horns on her head and bends the musical saw. Besides also playing a whole range of other instruments, they record music and tour with other talented musicians from British Columbia, putting on a depraved cabaret about Hank and Lily's road-show adventures. On their 2CD debut -- "The Road to New Orleans" -- they've released 26 songs about seedy carnivals, infanticide, drug-induced constipation, sex with old people, and Laika the Space Dog (of course).

Why are the CDs "fabulous" and "wonderful?" Because the story is full-fleshed, entertaining, and unique. It isn't just a hodge-podge of mysanthrope-wanna-be-ism. It's a coherent work full of funny lines, quirky surprises, and great musicianship. The tunes are catchy and have a sweet, unpretentious country twang.

More importantly, it isn't polished to perfection. It has that Tom Waits sound of everything starting to fall apart...but not quite. Hank and Lily don't have great voices but they DO have great delivery, and the guest musicians give enough good voice to make up for the vocal shortcomings; Ryan Beattie goes all out with "Ballad of the Dancing Bear," an especially epic and strangely sad song. Never before has clown sodomy been so poignant.

Well then, it's not ALL "fabulous" and "wonderful" -- the second CD seems to have been a repository for the less-inspired numbers -- but the rest of it...wow. Personal mythology, unique sound, professional musicianship, and right on our very own west coast. And they're still travelling back and forth across the country today. Love 'em.

But heck, don't just take MY word for it...watch their video!

The Silk Test a la Japonais; or, Paternal Love Will Out!

Since we were just giving credit to Lady Pepperell for her amusing (if sometimes overreaching) advertisements, how about we give equal credit to Truhu Silks?

A relatively recent advertiser (as of late 1927), the Truhu Silk ads always begin with some time-consuming (and often destructive) method for finding out if a shirt is made of real silk. Then they tell you it's easier just to look for "Truhu" on the label. Whew!

Here's the cutest one, from December 24, 1927:

It's very important to know that silk shirts are all silk. Otherwise you are likely to get only half of what you have a right to expect. If you wish, the silk may be tested by the Japanese method.

Procure a dozen silk worms at any pet shop and carry them to your haberdasher. Distribute the shirts about and place the worms close by. The little fellows will crawl to the pure silk shirts and will ignore the others.

But if you prefer the simpler American method, just look for the Truhu label. Its presence means that the shirt is 100% pure and 100% fast color...as fine a product as can be bought.

So put down those silk worms! Though finding a Truhu label today might be difficult. As an aside, the word "haberdasher" always gives me a warm glow.