Voyageur!

Season seven of "The Daily Muffy" begins on Monday, July 7th with "Voyageur," a trip down Guelph's Speed River in search of fur and frolic! The adventure will commence here on Flickr.



These things are always a strange mix of anxiety and fun. Fortunately, when I did this on June 21st, I was gorgeously photographed by Shay and punted around by canoe-heroine Natasha. How could I NOT enjoy myself, especially on such a gorgeous day?

There are a few things to note about the shooting of this trip. The first is that I'm wearing the outfit which helped destroy my shoulder back in February...an outfit so terrifying that I call it "The Impossible Costume." Its odd back-centric doohickeys -- which I specifically remember having trouble with on that night -- left me in so much pain the next day that I can only assume it made my problem worse. By wearing it again for this photo shoot, I wanted to prove to myself that I CAN wear just about anything these days as long as I'm careful. I was, and it worked!

The second thing to note is that Natasha did not come with the intention to be photographed, so all the pictures feature only half of a canoe: the half with me in it. Rest assured that we WERE actually afloat, though I can't pretend that the Speed River is a particularly dangerous place to be.

There was, however, the danger of the canoe flipping over every time I hobbled into it. But Natasha is a pro and she kept me high and dry.

The third thing to note is that this was part of my "Shall I continue to do drag?" experiment. I needed to see how these pictures turned out, and to improve the experiment I even bought new eyelashes (the old ones were clunky, quirky, and more dry glue than lash). I'm thrilled that I can still burn up a dress and handle the harsh rays of the sun. Drag, we're still buddies, you and I.

Anyway, be sure to check out Flickr on Monday when the journey commences!

Summer! Summer! Summer!

Today I had planned to take a canoe trip down Guelph's Speed River, as part of the triumphant (possible) return of the Daily Muffy. Unfortunately the forecast rather sketchily called for afternoon thundershowers, and my trip organizer -- who is a professional canoe coach -- said "Lightning + Canoe = Death." And she didn't want to die just for a bunch of goofy photographs. We had to cancel.

So on a beautiful day, with the Co-op car booked and a totally free itinerary ahead of me, I decided to drive to New Hamburg and take my mom out for a surprise lunch.

And it worked! She hadn't eaten! We sat on the empty E.J.'s patio and ate pulled-pork sandwiches and talked about her trip to England. Then we took a long stroll around Baden -- which neither of us have ever walked around -- and chatted with children and played with a small dog. Then we went on the "Castle Kilbride" tour, which was quite beautiful, though I was disappointed we didn't get to REALLY see the basement. And I think that when I accidentally touched the tour guide's hand she thought I was groping her.

A side benefit of this wonderful day -- besides the joyful sponteneity of just making it up as we went along -- was the driving practice I got in. I'm becoming more comfortable with the car and am no longer white-knuckled when I drive it, and with each trip I become more thankful to the Grand River Car Share: they are professional, sensible, and they suit my lifestyle perfectly.

Sigh! Here's to a wonderful summer day! I don't have a "Daily Muffy" to show for it, but I think I ultimately got something better.

The Changeable Changeness of Change

The last three weeks have been bizarre. Nothing in particular has happened, nothing too shocking or surprising, but I can't help feeling that my world is moving pretty rapidly into a new place. What's surprising about this is that I'm pretty comfortable with the idea.

I've never really understood before the Tarot idea where the "Death" card actually means "change." I figured it was just a conceit to keep suburban housewives from screaming when they get their cards read. But when things are changing -- both your environment and you -- it really DOES feel a bit like death: a little bit scary and exciting and a whole lot of wondering.

Some things are going on that I'm not going to talk about here, and they're all interrelated so I can't give a full sense of what's happening on this end, but one of the cruxes involved is: how long am I going to continue doing drag? I've always known that there'd be a time when I'd want to stop, and I figured I'd just wake up one morning and say "No more!", but instead it's been a series of gradual waves of thought during the last few years. Every year I give the idea of quitting more serious consideration, and this year I'm really on the cusp of saying "Yeah, that's it."

Why? One reason is vanity. Each year it gets harder and harder to look good, and the failures are more and more apparent. The pictures of me which look attractive are taken from increasing distances. I keep thinking about the song that goes: "Nice legs, shame about the face," and all it takes is one terrible batch of photos to make me go "Ugh! No more!"

Another reason is reward versus effort, and the rewards are getting smaller. It's not that the WORLD has stopped rewarding me, it's just that those rewards mean less and less to me, and as the effort increases, doing drag starts to lose its point.

A third reason is the sheer pain of doing it. My shoulder isn't getting better and there's a possibility that it never actually will (I'm going to a shoulder specialist soon and will probably be scheduled for surgery). The ability to "look good" in drag involves having access to all those parts of your body that you need to modify, and I don't have access to some of those parts anymore. It's depressing and causes me a lot of anguish.

And finally, I've realized over the years that I'm GOOD at a large number of things, but I'm not GREAT at any of them (except for my job), and the reason is because I haven't focused all my money and energy on a single activity. "Doing drag" competes with all the other interests I have in my life.

But the thing is, drag is such a part of my identity that I've always been TERRIFIED of losing it. Who would I BE? This year, however, I can actually see myself doing without it, and I realize that my life would be a hell of a lot simpler and easier without it.

I'm not going to be one of those people who throws out all their drag stuff on a whim. If I do decide to stop doing drag, it'll be a gradual process, a "letting go." I'm still performing at next week's "OK2BME" Pride Prom, and today we were going to do a Daily Muffy (but it was canceled). What happens will depend entirely on where my life goes from here.

In any case, all this stuff is the major reason why I haven't been blogging lately. When my life becomes unsettled I tend to withdraw from creative pursuits (such as this one) and just do a lot of reading and game-playing (yes, The Sims 2).

Muffy Does New Hamburg...AGAIN!

During the semi-regular hibernation of The Daily Muffy I'll be resurrecting a few older episodes, now presented for full Flickr posterity. Starting today is 2006's "Muffy Does New Hamburg."



It includes some updated commentary, since several awful things have happened to New Hamburg since Vanilla and I were there. Enjoy!

The Adventures of M'Lady Muffie Bernardington

A new episode of The Daily Muffy has just started over at Flickr!



'Tis season six, episode four! Known in full as:

"The Diverse and Most Singular ADVENTURES of M'Lady MUFFIE BERNARDINGTON, Displayed for Future Edification, Her Life Betwixt and Oftimes Bestraddle the Vast Borders of STRATFORD ON AVON, Year 1666."

Photographic Majesty by Jenn Wilson, Duchess of Mystifying Lenses. Muffie's resplendent raiment designed by master craftswoman Lydia Bellini, seamstress to worthie queenes.

Lest ye forget: A new picture every weekday!

As usual y'all get the full scoop. We took these pictures on a chilly Saturday, October 18th, in Stratford Ontario. It wasn't so bad in the sunlight but it was eleven degrees in the shade. And though the wind was perfect for my medieval-type skirt it was very, very cold.

Reading the Samuel Pepys diaries had inspired me, and coupled with the fact that my "Ilsa On Ice" Oktoberfest outfit could double for something from a Renaissance Faire, this "Stratford 1666" theme was a shoe-in. I even dressed Schnapps as a 17th century dandy but you won't be seeing him...he didn't REALLY fit in and I didn't feel like lugging him around.

We took some of the pictures at a crazy, burned-out warehouse that Jenn and I have long been fascinated with. You can walk right up to this catastrophe-waiting-to-happen. We were unable to resist its charms and it was considerate enough not to fall over on us.

All-in-all the Stratford crowd was pleasant -- somebody shouted "HERE COMES THE BRIDE!" when we were hanging around a church -- and we were unmolested by the somewhat skiddy inhabitants around the edges of the downtown. Through sheer shivery perseverance we managed to get scads of good pictures, and I'm quite proud of the fake-o storyline I've written so far.

Check in often!

Daily Muffy: "Maid of the Mist"

Season six, episode three of The Daily Muffy -- "Maid of the Mist"-- begins tomorrow! A new picture in the journey will appear every day...click here to watch the drama unfold!

Special thanks to Jenn Wilson, not just for taking the pictures but also for driving hours through a torrential downpour. A trouper!

PS: Ever since I started using a new computer -- and a new version of iPhoto -- my Flickr pictures have appeared strangely pixellated. Fortunately, by adding an extra step to the uploading process, this issue appears to be licked. Whew!

Maid of the Mist

I have just received the pictures from our Niagara Falls photoshoot, and holy cow they're fun. I really do need to learn to stop kvetching about my "dewy shine" and just let loose.

I can't reveal the really stellar money shots until the Daily Muffy episode actually begins -- about a month from now -- but here's a candid teaser with the sucky American falls in the background:


As for me being upstaged by the majestic Canadian falls...hold your horses!

Diary of a Daily Muffy

During the blizzardy winter of 2008 Jenn Wilson and I made a plan: we would go to Niagara Fallsview Casino Resort and take pictures of me wearing my Ann Miller "bumblebee" outfit. Since it takes almost two hours to get there we decided we must go during the summer. To avoid traffic we would have to decide on a weekday, preferably around noon hour.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008, 7:20 am: We are aiming to make a head-start on the day so I have already done my ironing and planning and worrying the day before. I have cereal for breakfast and begin to get into drag.

I had tried to be blase about this adventure, but perhaps I was a bit TOO blase when it came to choosing my drag timetable; due to a simple miscalculation I have lost twenty minutes of prep time. There is a lot you can do -- or, in this case, CAN'T do -- in twenty minutes. My hair and makeup is done in record time. I forget my gloves.

9:10 am: We're off! Almost immediately we are surrounded by cars; it would seem that everybody is going to Niagara Falls on the same day as we. They want to see us succeed in our crazy endeavour. They are slowing us down and getting in our way.

10:00 am: Somewhere around Lincoln I begin to feel uncomfortable and anxious and I need to go to the bathroom.

I generally try to avoid bathrooms while I'm doing a Daily Muffy. Drag bathroom-etiquette is difficult at the best of times, and THIS time I'm wearing an outfit that takes time and subtlety to get in and out of. We pull into a Tim Horton's because I'm hoping that the bathrooms have a single stall.

On my way through the door a man asks me if I have a gas can. Then he notices that I am wearing a bright yellow '50s tap-dancing dress that is cut up to my crotch. He recoils.

By the time I'm finished in the bathroom I realize that I was suffering a form of anxiety due to the way the morning has gone: I got out of bed, jumped into drag, and then rushed into Jenn's car...then we drove non-stop through an alien landscape toward a place I'd never been before. I had felt a bit like a fish, yanked out of the ocean, dropped into a fishbowl, and then rocketed off without yet having a chance to get a grip on the environment.

Now that I have stared down the clientele of a roadside Tim Horton's, I have finally "decompressed." Damn it, Niagara Falls, I'm ready for you!

10:30 am: We park at a pay lot and walk toward the casino. We'd been worried about the weather, but the black storm clouds have all cleared away. We are proud that we remembered to bring umbrellas, but of course we leave them in the back seat of the car. We will regret this.

We are well aware that we cannot take pictures near the resort casino, but we plan to run totally amok within the mall and its surroundings. We befriend the man who appears to be head of security and with his blessing we duck into nooks and crannies that we'd otherwise be too scared to explore.

The mall is mostly full of middle-aged tourists and "casino types." They avoid us and are polite when we block their access to brutally expensive posh-stores. One older man walks up to me and shouts "What happened to your skirt? THE FRONT IS GONE!" but before we can be friendly we are interrupted by yet another security guard, who is feeling us out.

We go outside and begin to walk around the mall. It's beautiful! From a distance I get my picture taken with both the American and Canadian falls (another goal achieved!) The Canadian side is WAY prettier. It wouldn't surprise me to learn that the war of 1812 was fought entirely due to falls-jealousy.

Then, thunder. We have become very accustomed to thunder this summer...but I'm standing outside in a fragile dress and Jenn is carting around a ton of very expensive camera gear. Terrified, we rush back to the mall.

12:30 am: It is POURING. We sit in the food court and watch the rain. As I said previously, we'd left our umbrellas in the car, which is a five-minute walk away.

We hatch a devious plan. We walk through the resort's parking garage until we find the exit which we assume is closest to our parking lot, and then Jenn darts out the door to get her car while I huddle in the stairwell and guard her stuff. I realize that the door is identical to all the other doors on that side of the building, and also that I don't remember what Jenn's car looks like, and I don't have her phone number, and that this was a really silly idea.

Then Jenn pulls up and we drive away; she is soaked, I am not.

1:00 pm: Sensing how much I want to take the restrictive "bumblebee" outfit off, Jenn pulls into a covered parking garage behind a hotel and I jump out to get changed. The rain is pouring down. I strip to my underwear just in time for a bunch of tourists to wander into the parking lot with me. Then a car pulls in. The tourists and the car shuffle back and forth as I crouch, virtually naked, waiting for them to sort their crap out and go away.

Finally we are back on the Queen Elizabeth Way and we are heading home.

1:30 pm: The black clouds descend and the traffic slows to a crawl.


Due to an evil brew of construction, weather, car accidents, and the other people's desire to interfere with our shit, our next ninety minutes on the QEW are spent in impenetrable gridlocked traffic, inching forward mile after mile. Then a truly fearsome hailstorm reduces visibility to nil, which is particularly terrifying when you're stuck on the Garden City Skyway. Jenn pushes us through one jam and into the next; we struggle, we fight.

3:00 pm: When the weather clears we are still creeping along the QEW...but we no longer recognize the landmarks. We wonder why the hell we're driving through Oakville. When we start to see "Airport" and "Mississauga" signs our worst suspicions are confirmed: during the storms we missed a crucial turn-off into Hamilton, and spent an hour DRIVING IN THE WRONG DIRECTION.

My mind snaps. I am being driven through a strange area, very far from home, and I am in drag. That alone would be fine except that my face is steadily disintegrating and I have no "boy clothes." I cannot (or rather will not) exit the car in this stage of degeneration, and we've ALREADY spent hours driving in the car...it will take at least another hour to get us back, and we are getting perilously close to rush hour (which would add an ADDITIONAL hour to our journey).

In the face of my emotional-mental meltdown, Jenn is the rational one. We stop and get directions, which are: follow Winston-Churchill Boulevard until we hit the 401. It's a long way home from there but at least we KNOW that area.

Making the best of it, we turn around and resume our journey.

4:20 pm: Home at last. I greet the cat, wash my decaying face, and happily look forward to seeing the pictures we took (you'll see them as part of the next Daily Muffy, if you're interested). I am suddenly cold and I huddle up under the covers, reading Morley Callaghan short stories and enjoying my return to stability.

I realize that the horrific drive home has almost completely wiped out my memory of what we did in Niagara Falls. Thank goodness we'll have pictures to remind us!

The Daily Muffy: "PROTEST!"

"PROTEST!" -- season 6, episode 2 of The Daily Muffy -- begins on Monday, so be sure to check here every weekday for a new picture!

It's the story of my noble attempt to get off my tush and change the world, and also to keep my foundation from stippling in the intense sunlight. All pictures were taken by VanillaJ -- Queen of Composition -- who drove me to various protest hotspots and provided invaluable thematic advice. Thanks, VJ!

PS: I apologize for letting the previous Daily Muffy languish for a week...I think I wore myself out editing the "Hot Lips" video, and I wasn't quite up to the task of wading through the quirks of iPhoto '08.

Now that I've figured everything out I'm back in the Daily Muffy swing, I promise!

The Great Computer Migration of 2008

Picture this dramatic scene.

The old eMac and the new iMac meet face to face for the first time. Instead of having a jolly chat about my personal foibles and my inability to keep their keyboards clean, the iMac becomes aggressive and takes instant control: Firewire cable, Migration Assistant, only one goal: to suck all the important information from the eMac and turn it into the obsolete doorstop that we've all suspected it to be.

If the eMac already looked like an E-Z Bake Oven in comparison with the new iMac, it looks doubly pathetic when lashed helplessly to its usurper.

Macintosh computers have a much-vaunted, invincible, seamless integration, except when I try to use more than one of them at a time. The Migration Assistant connects properly to the poor eMac but refuses to do anything more; it just sits for two hours "waiting for the drives to appear." A call to technical support reveals a crucial piece of information that everybody needs to know: "Migration Assistant just always works." That is nice to hear.

My happy tete-et-tete with the technical support technician is interrupted by a dentist appointment, where I get my chipped tooth fixed by chatty oral hygienists who don't know the subtext behind "I Touch Myself" by The Divinyls:

"I always thought they were saying 'I love myself!'"

"Oh no, it's 'I touch myself.'"

"Whew! I mean, 'I love myself,' that's going pretty far! They'd never get away with that."

When my jaws are strapped apart with a pink rubber tent, one of the hygienists says I'm being "awfully quiet," and they laugh hysterically because I am unable to reply. They allow one of the tent flaps to hang over my nose where it sucks into my nostrils with every breath.

I return home with a lip that feels like a totally unfunny balloon animal. My two computers are still connected, as useless and helpless as two dogs who have become locked together having sex. Rather than dump water on them, I decide that attempting to get Migration Assistant working has already taken longer than just manually copying everything over myself.

So that's what I do for the next half hour: copy applications and data through the Firewire connection. Then I bundle up the poor elderly eMac and banish it to its temporary home in my living room, where it can join other sadly forgotten things like my pussycat.

Next, the real hurdle: configuring the system to work with my Sympatico internet account. I hold my breath through the entire procedure, waiting for it to fail the way all non-Apple software always does. Except that it works perfectly the first time, of course, whereas the famous-super-fabulous Apple Migration Assistant just wasted two hours of my day.

My first task, then? Communicating to you, dear blog readers, using my spiffy new computer...I am back in business at last.

Since "business" includes making silly videos and "Daily Muffy" episodes, I'm happy to report that the next "domestic drag show" is still in the works. More importantly, this weekend Vanilla and I documented an ambitious new Daily Muffy. It's called "Protest!" and here's a quick teaser.

Ooh-La-La: Paris in the Spring!

The aforementioned all-new Daily Muffy is online now!



Just in case you're new to this concept, the idea is to present a new picture every day, meanwhile telling a more-or-less coherent story. This one is the story of how Tim and I went to Paris...and you can view it here. The pictures will be unlocked every weekday morning and you can view them at different sizes, comment on them, see them on a map, check out the growing archives...it's all so gosh-darned interactive!

Special thanks to Jenn Wilson for suggesting a way of doing this using Flickr. Hopefully it all works! Please let me know if you have any problems or suggestions.

Globetrotters

Would you believe that Victoria and I actually went to PARIS in order to take pictures for a "Daily Muffy?" It's true! C'est vrai!

This first in a new season of "Daily Muffy" episodes will begin on May 12th, in a brand new format and location. Stay tuned for all the details!

Coming Up!

I haven't just been sitting at home playing "Dwarf Fortress." No indeed, I've been planning all sorts of special events.

First off, hopefully I'll see some of you at "La Cage" tonight (Friday) at the Walper Hotel, starting at 6pm. I won't be performing, just playing the music for the performers themselves, but it's always a fun and professional event in support of Tri-Pride...come see!

On this coming Thursday (the 8th) come to Club Renaissance for the next installment of "Glamourspunk!" It's an extension of the regular Ren Glitter Nights, coordinated and hosted by Victoria Parks with some help from me. So far these shows have had some of the best local talent (and the best crowds I've ever seen) so you're probably missing out if you don't show up.

Then, on Saturday May 31st I'll be performing at Guelph's Pride Party and Dance. Last year they gave me my own hotel room...maybe this year they'll give me the entire hotel?

Other than that there are some SECRET plans: operations "Ooh-la-la" and "Maid of the Mist." I can't tell you more, but let's just say that the "Daily Muffy" will be back soon...maybe as early as next week! Stay tuned.

Catching Up With (Happiness)

Sometimes you get an hour of total bliss, when everything comes together. You're finished work, you're looking forward to the year's first snowstorm, you have a DVD you're looking forward to watching (episodes of "Monty Python's Flying Circus") and a book you're enjoying (John Barth's "Once Upon a Time"). As if that wasn't enough, the songs you're working on are -- in your opinion -- the best things you've ever done (tentatively titled "Road to Avondale" and "Little Bit Out") and somebody just positively reviewed your latest CD collaboration with Infant Cycle:

St.Bernard’s four tracks give instead the idea of a mini-movie, as instruments, field recordings and pre-existent voices lead our brain towards the nowhere of significance. At one point, I was so mesmerized by the apparent nonsense of certain repetitions, I couldn’t decide if what I was hearing was too simple to accept a description or just nullifying my thoughts; one’s left even more anguished in the final minutes of the disc. Music that is intense and uninviting at one and the same time but, this notwithstanding, we all know that - aesthetic pleasures or not - if something stimulates a reaction, then it means that it’s good enough.

I am oddly complimented.

An additional "catching up" point: if you like the "Daily Muffy" episodes (or you didn't know they existed), another oldie (from 2003) is getting underway. St. Mark and I try to defeat SARS in Toronto's Chinatown, and then tackle West Nile and Mad Cow as an afterthought.

Daily Muffy: "Drag Your Ass Out Two"

We'll be doing some repeats over at The Daily Muffy for a bit, so if you want to see some historical shots from ye olde Muffye archives, go over and have a look. The current episode is a brief "behind the scenes" look at shenanigans after 2004's "Drag Your Ass Out" event.

The New Daily Muffy Starts Tomorrow!

Just a quick note to remind you that the ALL NEW "Daily Muffy" starts tomorrow!

Daily Muffy PATH Video Preview

The videos we filmed during our PATH adventure are now up on YouTube. They're short, esoteric, and shoddy...but you might think they're fun anyway.

• Deserted
• Slippage
• Silent Primadonna
  

"If I Were Queen of the PATH"

I don't make blog announcements BEFORE I go away on a trip, because I don't want y'all breaking into my apartment and stealing the few clean socks I have left. But now that I'm back...

Yes! Today was the day to meet with "Team Daily Muffy Toronto" to prepare and photograph our next adventure: "If I Were Queen of the PATH."

For those who don't know, "The PATH" is a huge network of tunnels and walkways which connect many of the buildings in Metro Toronto. Our mission was to start at the southernmost point -- the Air Canada Centre -- and zig-zag back and forth until we arrived at the northernment -- the Atrium on Bay.

For some reason this was one of the most exhausting experiences in our lives. It wasn't just the walking -- I think Craig guessed seven miles, much of that on slippery tiles -- but there's something soul-sucking about spending three hours in endless corridors, riding endless escalators, and walking past endless rows of closed and darkened stores.

What's more, my intense animal magnetism blew up the transformer at The Hudson's Bay Company, cutting off power to much of the downtown core. So our final walk through The Eaton Centre was sort of primitive and surreal.

When we got back to Jason & Craig's to download the photos we expected little more than unworkable dullness...but wow, these pictures are lots of fun! So this is the only time that I'll admit that it was all very hellish and monotonous...from now on, the official word is "it was a RIOT!"

Menaced by hockey players, gang bangers, and space-time vortexes...crashing an odious "get rich quick" convention...escalators, fountains, labyrinths and cold rain...we got a lot of mileage out of those miles!

We ALSO recorded a few high-quality video clips, so you'll get to see Muffy In Motion (and not on a carousel this time). I'll let you know when they're on YouTube.

And now: a shower and a sleep. There's only so much havoc we can cause in a single day!

A Special Request!

A few days ago I put out an "open call" for requests in the Daily Muffy. I was thinking about "shackles," but it seems VanillaJ wanted something different. She asked for a picture of me tap-dancing while holding a spatula.

I know only enough tap to be dangerous, so I quickly turned off all the lights, cleared the apartment, and took this shot. I hope you're satisfied now, Vanilla!

Lost at the CNE

Update: Some folks have had trouble viewing the video, which is good because it prompted me to try out YouTube. So now the WHOLE WORLD can be a witness!

Myself and "Super-Lucky Happy Team Daily Muffy Toronto" (Craig and Jason) spent yesterday at the Canadian National Exhibition. I had a simple goal: to dress up like a showgirl and walk through the entire huge fairground -- especially the petting zoo -- while Craig took pictures for the next "Daily Muffy" feature.

The whole story will be up there soon, but let me just say that it was an INCREDIBLE time. Not because of the exhibition itself, which has become a bit bland and corporate over the years, but because everybody thought we were part of the event. Even the STAFF assumed we were performers. And the children...well, let me just say that I WAS the exhibition for everybody under ten.

Yeah, I felt like a real exhibitionist. A crowd formed whenever we stopped moving. Pre-fabricated cows presented their udders for milking. Women demanded pictures. And the llama kissed me.

Many of the more surreal moments ocurred on the carousel. Like I said you'll just have to wait for the feature to commence. But here's a video to tide you over: