Sunday, January 27, 2008

Toss and Turn

Sleep has always been difficult for me at the best of times, but I go through phases when it's downright maddening. Some nights I'll lie there for two hours or more and still be wide awake.

I've learned that there is a physical "sleep zone" that I need to reach. In this zone I feel mentally drowsy and comfortable, the real world starts to retreat, the images in my head take on a hazy quality. Once I'm in that spot I can happily congratulate myself and be unconscious in a few minutes.

GETTING to that zone has always been the trouble, because there are "things" in the way. Sometimes these things are physical -- like a high energy level, an uncomfortable sleeping area, or blood sugar that's out of whack. But most of the time the obstacle is a mental one. I have "things on my mind" and my mind won't let them go without a fight.

One technique I've used for a long time is to let each mental "thing" appear in front of my eyes -- like a future task that's worrying me or an activity I'm looking forward to -- and then I mentally burn them in a quick flash that instantly disappears. If I can do this fast, for all those things, then there are no mental left-overs. But the difficulty is that the very mental process of imagining these flashes is ANOTHER "thing," and I must make sure not to dwell upon it in any way: just let the flash happen and instantly forget it happened.

When that doesn't work I try something I discovered last year: I visualize a bright white "square wave" -- a blocky line with a few 90-degree angles in it -- accompanied by a deafening, clean, unmusical tone. My brain instantly starts to whip around to concentrate on those other things," and each time it starts to grasp one I intensify the tone and bring the square wave in again. This works for more bothersome "things" but is easy to get tired of...if it doesn't work after ten minutes or so it just won't work at all.

For the past two weeks I've had A LOT of trouble sleeping, because I'm experiencing this burning creative urge: a need to devise new projects and consider old projects. I'll go to bed and instantly start writing blog entries in my head, or considering musical possibilities, or sketching out storyboards. When this happens I start to lose more and more sleep, which is ironic because if I actually GOT enough sleep I'd have the energy to follow THROUGH with all those plans.

All these visualization things I've mentioned are ways of turning abstract mental "things" into nearly physical objects, because physical objects can be destroyed or ignored or -- even better -- turned off.

So now, in this time of sleep-crisis, I've been trying out a new technique. I imagine a little cave full of filmstrip machines -- remember those? -- and each one is showing a different basic TYPE of "thing." Rather than projecting SPECIFIC things, like "I can't believe I said that thing to so-and-so last year" -- as I've always done before -- I now lump all those "things" into categories -- like "regrets," for instance. I let them play for a while and then, one-by-one, turn the filmstrip machines off until finally the cave is dark.

Besides "regrets" I commonly have an "anticipated worry" machine, and a "reruns" machine for all those times I obsessively re-run recent events in my head. I have a "chores" machine devoted to the things I haven't done yet (like clean out the litterbox) and a "work" machine for stuff I've neglected at work. I have a "self worries" machine for agonizing about my own shortcomings and another machine for "grudges."

Not all of them are negative. There's a "creativity" machine for all the projects I'm working on, and an occasionally-active "state of the world" machine that speaks for itself. There's one for "worrying about others" and one for "remembering neat things," and of course a "song in my head" machine for those pop songs that just won't let me sleep.

The one problem I've had with this new routine is that, as I'm walking around turning off these machines, I'm often thinking "I'll need to blog about this activity I'm doing," which is a sort of inconceivable meta-machine that can't be conceptualized and can only be ignored. Now that I HAVE blogged about it, I hope that hurdle can be overcome and that I'll sleep like the dead tonight.

8 comments:

tanzi said...

It's all about patterns, Baby!
You need to get one night of good sleep to get back into the sleeping pattern. I know--easier said than done. Try yoga, deep breathing to quiet the mind, and even a gravol for one or two nights until you naturally fall asleep.
I know how frustrating that can be...
Here's hoping the Sandman finds you soon--not in a creepy, horror flick kinda way.
:)

JJ said...

And you ought to charge a nickle apiece for this guided tour inside Muffy's head. :)

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Aww, Tanzi, I bet you're right. Maybe my circadian rhythms need to be reset. After last night's "no sleep 'til 1am" experience, I'm ready to try some Gravol.

I hope it's something I can just get off the shelf. I really need a snooze.

Muffy St. Bernard said...

I'd make $2.50 a day! That would definitely be worth it, as long as I never had to give anybody's money back.

JJ said...

Perhaps the ankle-fetish was a pseudo-obsession? As in, the writer did not feel free to talk about the body-parts he WAS interested in? :)

Muffy St. Bernard said...

That could be! Maybe he was still remembering the bygone restriction against talking about legs.

Hilda said...

I have had chronic sleep problems for over 10 years and have been taking Lunesta every night for years.

My issue is what the psychiatrist called "rumination". When I go to bed, once I'm too tired to read and I turn off the light to sleep, I start thinking about stuff. Good stuff and bad stuff.

I think about what I have to do tomorrow, next week, next month. I think about whose birthday is coming up, do I have to get a gift, if they're out of town I have to mail it, so if I'm ordering it online I have to factor in the time it'll take to get here, then I have to mail the gift. What am I doing this weekend? If I'm going to a friend's house, what should I take? Probably wine, which wine?

Get the idea? Welcome to my brain.

Lunesta turns my brain off - most of the time. The last few weeks have been problematic. (yawn)

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Hilda, your brain sounds exactly like my brain! I didn't know there was a word for this, but "rumination" works. I could spend all night chewing my mental cud.

You may have tried everything, but some visualization-type stuff might help sometimes (it usually works for me).

But even with all of that I don't fall asleep easily, and maybe it's about time to look into something like Lunesta. Or lobotomy.