Friday, September 19, 2008

"They" Want Me To Be Ugly

They discontinued every lipstick I ever loved. They discontinued my eyelash glue. They even discontinued my FOUNDATION, all in an attempt to break my spirit and soul.

But this time they've gone too far. Apparently they have discontinued my 3M adhesive tape.

Have you ever wondered how I construct my cleavage? I use adhesive tape from 3M, which in my world stands for "marvelous man-made mammaries." It's cheap, it's gentle, and it grips like a tetanus-afflicted ferret. You can sweat like a pig -- and I do -- without ever loosening the loving stranglehold of properly-applied 3M. I've spent years developing the perfect way to construct the perfect cleavage. Let's just say I DEPEND on this tape.

After ten years of unflagging service, however, it appears that my miracle tape is being discontinued. PANIC! Vanilla and I managed to find a five-roll stash at Zellers today, which will last me a few more months at least. Long after other queens have resorted to turtleneck-gowns I will be doing my best to remain proudly on display. Because that's just what I do.


Anonymous said...

Have you tried Staples or Office Depot, in-person or on-line? There may be a "treasure chest" of tape out there.

It's too early on a Monday for further punning! Good luck on your quest.

Adam Thornton said...

Fortunately I am only receptive to puns on Monday mornings. You got me!

This tape is certainly in the "First Aid" section, so I doubt that Office Depot would be the place, though I could try to get out there next week.

Fortunately I found another four rolls at a different Zellers, and my mother tracked down three in New Hamburg.

tanzi said...

I love that your mom bought you some! How sweet! Now that you let us in on your secret...I'm gonna see if I can improve my cleavage, too!

Adam Thornton said...

I didn't tell my mom what it was FOR, but I bet she imagines far worse than the actual fact.

Aha, I've only told you HALF the secret. The REAL secret is how you APPLY it.

Which you can't...because I own ALL THE 3-M WATER-RESISTANT ADHESIVE TAPE IN THE WORLD! Hahahahaha!