Friday, March 14, 2008

A "To Hell With It All!" Weekend

Sometimes -- for chemical, psychological, social, and environmental reasons that I can barely understand -- I find myself feeling SO BITTERLY MISANTHROPIC that I need to have a "to hell with it all" weekend. Like the spoiled, petulant child that I sometimes am, I just want to close the curtains, unplug the phone, turn off the lights, shush the squirrels, and moan in a corner until it all just goes away.

When I'm in the throes of this mood I find myself desperately craving an undefinable something, a medicine or a cure that will make me happy again. Unable to find such a thing I fall back on the second best option: lots of movie rentals and a big bag of Ched-a-Corn.

The thing about Ched-a-Corn is that it makes you physically ill, especially if you start at the bottom of the bag where the puffies have literally melted due to high oil content. My craving for Ched-a-Corn makes me wonder if I'm short-sighted, a masochist, or if I'm merely missing certain essential greases in my diet. In any case it's just the ticket for how I'm feeling.

The movies?

The Invasion

With Nicole Kidman as protagonist I can finally root for the body snatchers. The emotionless nature of the alien replicants will at least prevent them from the curse of syrupy overacting. My heart will always lie with the '70s version (which I should have included in that "scariest movies ever" list I made a few months ago, simply on the basis of sound design alone).

Can you forget Donald Sutherland walking between rows of alien pod trees towards a deserted government landmark, while Veronica Cartwright screams and pulls her hair and rehearses next year's encounter with a Gigerrific alien? I can't. God, that movie freaked me out.

The Corpse Grinders II

I was intrigued by the alien catwoman on the front cover, and then I saw that Liz Renay was in it. She inspired me in a way that only John Waters fans can ever understand. R.I.P.

Constantine

Once again, thanks to Keanu Reeves, I can root for the villains. I picked it because it was alphabetically next in the "horror" section, and also because I enjoyed Constantine's "Swamp Thing" appearances (though I was less impressed with the first Constantine trade paperback, which seemed so DESPERATELY new wave).

Judgement Day: Intelligent Design on Trial

I firmly believe that one of the most insidious forces at work in the modern world is the manipulation of words for dishonest ends. "Intelligent Design" is a case in point, and I rented this documentary simply so I could "top up" my already-bubbling fury.

This is the only one of these movies that I've watched so far. Through my gut-aching Ched-a-Corn haze I can at least say that it made the ID proponents look suitably deluded and/or deceptive, and it's awfully funny to see an actor portraying Michael Behe get totally trashed.

I'd rather see Michael Behe HIMSELF on the hotseat, but he's too smart to expose himself to real scrutiny on film. What a maroon!

13 comments:

Kimber said...

Constantine was so bad that I left the theatre half-way through. Then curiosity got the better of me one lonely night and I rented it, purely for the sake of seeing how the hell Tilda Swinton ever got herself into that casting mess.

Still, that's 121 + 40 minutes of my life that I'll never get back again.

Kimber said...

PS: my maudlin "screw off" weekend snack of choice is Cheez Doodles. Considering what they do to my fingers, I shudder to think of what they do to my insides.

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Well, if Tilda Swinton is in it, that will at least be ONE bright spot! Tomorrow's the day to endure "Constantine."

I agree, Cheez Doodles are a good second-best, though they are only one tenth as greasy as Ched-a-corn.

I'm not sure what these "cheesy" snacks do to my insides, but my insides sure want to tell me about their suffering.

Raven said...

Script for Constantine was pretty poor and I will never forgive the movie makers for not casting a *blonde* actor to play the part of Constantine. (Clearly they were not really into the whole HELLBLAZER comic.)

But Tilda Swinton as a rebellious androgynous angel? *swoon* I'm keeping my copy for that. ;)

The Vicar of VHS said...

So, is it absolutely necessary to have seen "Corpse Grinders I" in order to know what's going on in the sequel? :)

(I must admit, shame-facedly, that I didn't even know there WERE two.)

JJ said...

Ever tried cooking? It has you doing SOMETHING, you can't think of much else while cooking and the end-product is most satisfying. :)

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Yeah, how did Constantine become a dark-haired American who can't act? It's a mystery!

Tilda Swinton was amazing, as usual. She should hire herself out as the person who elevates schlock to higher levels!

Muffy St. Bernard said...

The only prerequisite for "Corpse Grinders 2," Vicar, is to destroy all sensory apparatus in advance. It's really dismal, starring a cast of the director's elderly friends and neighbours, filmed with a cheap video camera in various living rooms. Plus some CGI.

That would be okay if handled properly...but it isn't. Even Liz Renay is just sad.

But to really answer your question: no, you don't need to see the original version; I haven't, and the plot was crystal clear. The second version only has about 20-minutes worth of plot so they had plenty of time to explain it all again.

Muffy St. Bernard said...

JJ, there are lots of reasons why I don't cook, including a dislike of doing lots of dishes, lack of a car to go out shopping specifically for certain meals, nobody else to cook for, the short shelf-life of "real food" + my bird-like appetite = food rots, and a feeling that there are more useful things I could be doing.

Ched-a-corn for me! :)

jj said...

there are lots of reasons why I don't cook, including

Ja. But you need to fill the empty "down" time with something right?

Late at night, the I-am-too-tired-to-do-anything-constructive-but-I-dont=-want-to-sleep mood leads me to mindless porn browsing at night. While I honestly believe these girlss are performing a social service (but what would Jane Austen think of them?) I need to replace it with a healthier obsession. Any ideas?

Anonymous said...

Jane Austen was the porn of her day...oh Mr Darcy!

Muffy St. Bernard said...

JJ, as anonymous has pointed out, you can first wean yourself onto the novels of Jane Austen. At that point you can do more productive things, like cook, clean, or give yourself a manicure.

Myself, I read. It slows me down to the point where I can (maybe) sleep.

jj said...

tell me I didn't creep you out by refering to porn. :)

Porn is so ridiculously mainstream.
India's leading newspaper(they also host the award shows) has this 2 page Hollywood column that they pick up from some agency feed. And its amazing the number of times porn stars get a column. Not to mention Sunny Leone getting a fat 3 columns in the mainstream paper. :-)