Friday, June 27, 2008

Sherlock Holmes Solves Some Mysteries

The Case of the Oily Foundation

Even if you have a singularly oily T-Zone, purchase a non-greasy prep lotion such as the one marketed by Quo. It will give you that "fresh-faced lass" smoothness and also prevent your foundation from sliding off.

It was worth being mocked by a cosmetician to solve this case.

Yesterday's Gluteal Soreness

You're wondering why you woke up with a mysterious muscle-soreness running all down your right side? It's because you spent the day previous chasing a duckling under the cars in the parking lot. Seriously, Muffy, have you not yet learned that nature is cruel? You must rest your old bones.

The Mystery of the Early-Morning Cat

Have you not noticed that the cat ONLY does her early-morning yowling when the balcony door is open? Had it not occurred to you that this door lets in an uncommon amount of light, making the bedroom brighter than usual? Have you yourself not been fooled by this illumination?

It's not a wonder that your cat is being fooled, as she is dim-witted.

The Strange Case of the Rotting Vegetable Odour

It's garbage day, and all your windows are open! While YOU eat food which is so packed with preservatives that its half-life is measured in centuries, others eat fresh provender which decays more quickly.

So not to worry, my dear Muffy...that smell is coming from outside!

6 comments:

Gary said...

Perhaps if the cat had chased the duckling, you would feel less sore, the cat would have enjoyed some exercise, and the duckling... well, as you said, nature is cruel. (Just kidding - I like ducks.)

Elementary, my dear Muffy...

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Brilliant! From now on I'll bring my cat to work during "hatching season."

She's getting spunky of late...caught and killed a moth last night, but probably only because it landed on her head.

Gary said...

Hmmm...

Read an article in Smithsonian regarding cat intelligence (smarts, not a vast secret feline network). His take - yes, cats are smart - at being cats.

The author obviously liked his own cat, even though he referred to it as a "meat loaf" on the floor. So intelligence and indolence can coexist. Why, there's even cartoon proof... now,what happened to that lasagna, Garfield?

Muffy St. Bernard said...

If you gave a dog an IQ test, it would try its absolute hardest to get a high school, and the world would see that dogs are really dumb.

If you gave a cat an IQ test, it would just stare at you. You'd never know how well the cat would have scored, and you'd probably attribute the refusal to superior intelligence.

I think that a lot of cat intelligence just comes from a refusal to be judged according to anybody's standards, whereas dogs are like "judge me! how did I do?"

And yes, they ARE really meatlofy when they sit a certain way...

Anonymous said...

but are they like the meatloaf at Reubens?

Muffy St. Bernard said...

They're like the meatloaf...THAT CLARA BOW STUFFED INTO HER FACE LAST FRIDAY!