Tuesday, December 18, 2007

My Little Black Cloud of Mishaps

Sometimes it seems like the world is out to get me. You know this is leading to a story about intense frustration, so let's get right to the point.

Sunday, December 16th: a tremendous snowstorm -- the second in three weeks -- wallops my little town.

It's the night of Club Abstract's Christmas party. Since the party is mainly for staff members, they insist you arrive before 10pm so all hands can lock the doors and retreat into debauchery. With this in mind I call a cab at 8:45 and wait.

And wait. And wait. Once again a cab driver has been unable to find me, and instead of calling to check my address he's simply driven away, leaving me without transportation. At 9:30 I am frantically talking to the cab company: they can send somebody else, but not anytime soon; they're booked solid with Christmas parties and the roads are terrible. The fact that THEY screwed up doesn't seem to change the situation.

I make a snap decision. I put on my sturdiest boots and begin to walk, over twelve inches of mostly-uncleared snow, through 60kph winds. Here's a brief excerpt so you can share the joy with me. I make an appearance at the end that turned out surprisingly well. I figured that if I died like a stranded Jack London character, they could use my camera to learn about my last desperate moments.



A survivor, I arrive at Club Abstract...and discover that I'm dressed like a bar skank at a formal event. Alright, maybe I should have asked about the night's "tone."

I feel terribly out of place, I brood about the inevitable walk home, I get increasingly nervous and repetative. People are looking at me strangely. Eventually I discover that my blood sugar is catastrophically low; the walk through the snowstorm has done me in.

A sweet bartender serves me Shirley Temples, I eat a bag of Skittles, I acknowledge that things couldn't possibly get worse.

THEN THE SOLE OF MY RIGHT BOOT FALLS OFF. I cannot walk back home, in a snowstorm, post-insulin shock, with only one boot. I want to kill myself.

Fortunately a quick-thinking staff member gives me an early Christmas gift: duct tape.

Broken Christmas Boot

Desperate for home, my little black cloud parts long enough for me to grab an impossible cab. I count my considerable blessings.

The next morning I walk to work; a half-hour ordeal through a city paralyzed by the storm. I stop at Tim Horton's for food and realize I've left my wallet at home. I only have petty change with which to buy lunch. I am going to cry.

I sit down to eat my paltry food, I reach into my bag to give myself insulin...and realize I've forgotten my insulin as well. I've come all the way to work and I can't buy or eat anything.

My heart has gone cold and squishy. I gently put my head on the table. I cover my head with my hands and press, scratching my scalp, moaning slightly. I have had a terrible, terrible weekend. I am actually looking forward to going to work; I can't get hit by a car while sitting at my desk, probably. I do not feel safe in the world.

I wait patiently for a cab to take me home so I can grab my wallet, my insulin, and return to work. This costs me twenty dollars. Smiling over its shoulder, my little black cloud of mishaps laughs and wanders off to torture another soul, hopefully not you.

7 comments:

JJ said...

I keep my mobile, my keys, my dog tag, my wallet etc all together on my desk drawer. That way, by force of habit, without thinking, I take EVERYTHING I need to work. Early seasons greeting to you too.

Eli said...

I think I've been having the slow-motion, low-grade version of this for a couple of weeks. Aaaaagh. My sympathies.

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Thanks JJ! In order to make the story clearer I said I'd left my wallet at home, but I actually still had the wallet...but I'd left my money, ID, and debit card at home. These are things I move from wallet to purse and back again.

And insulin is something that has to be with me, but is moved around in different ways -- inside a bag, in a coat pocket, lying beside my bed.

So it really amazes me I don't forget them more often...

Muffy St. Bernard said...

Jeez Eli, that can't be happy. My sympathies returned. Sometimes the cloud DOES stay around an awful long time...

JJ said...

On a different note - something I have noticed off and on - exactly how do you get that cleavage in them photos - duct tape? :-)

JJ said...

how about keeping your wallet INSIDE your purse? That way you can keep grouped all all the important things that need to go around with you.

Muffy St. Bernard said...

If I had a nice sort of "unisex wallet," then I might practically be able to move it between purse and pants, though one consideration is that I don't need all my wallet-junk when I'm in drag. Purse real-estate is expensive so it's important to maximize it (but my new tiny camera has freed up some room!)

As for the cleavage, well. I've spent thirteen years perfecting my technique and it can actually be MUCH more extreme (but doesn't match my body shape in that case).

It's medical tape in an intricate configuration that I can only comfortably reveal to other queens in isolated back-rooms...plus some black duct tape to prevent the trick from being so obvious in pictures like this one. :)

Someday I'll write a book on my cleavage discoveries. I will say that if *I* can have great cleavage, any woman sure could.