Sunday, May 06, 2007
Suffering through the herky-jerkiness of post-bar boozing, let me TRY to describe tonight's moment of horrible revelation.
There I am in the bar, wearing another crotchy outfit, my intention to thwart the bad boys who arrive to pick up the cheap girls. I'm thinking: here I am, a plague, a negative thing, something which makes girls feel good and boys feel bad. Crotch, feathers, silliness. You bastard crappy men.
Then I speak to Rachel. At the video bar, she's sitting down and alternating water and alcohol. She starts off in the usual way: "I love your outfit, I respect what you're doing." So I move in to feel good and to try to be a little bit humble.
But then she says the Important Thing, which completely changes my impression of the night: "If I wore that outfit, people would think I was a slut."
I can't belive this: NOBODY HAS EVER SAID THIS TO ME. Fifteen years of doing drag -- silly, over-sexed girl drag -- and no female has ever explained to me that *I* am able to do something that SHE cannot do. She goes further: "When people look at you wearing those clothes, they say you're adventurous and fantastic. If I were to wear those clothes I'd just be a slut."
And holy cow...RACHEL IS RIGHT. Sitting there, drinking her water, without being accusastory or vicious, she has told me something I have NEVER REALIZED. I can't even begin to explain how this affects my personal idea of "what I'm doing." I can stand here and criticise women for being "over-sexed," meanwhile wearing a ridiculous outfit that no girl in the bar would ever THINK of wearing. Because I can be "odd" while she'd just be "sleazy."
Why am I wearing my outfit? To thwart the men. But what do the WOMEN think when they see it? I'm sad to say that I've never thought about it. "Duh," say the females I ask. "Of course, I could never get away with wearing something like that." They feel too fat or too thin or too conservative or too desperate, and there I am just NOT CARING.